I dont understand people who let their parents effect their decisions well into adulthood. To me, its like letting your tour guide decide what youll do once the vacation is over. Parents are people too, and they are every bit as fucked up or flawed as anyone else. Your Dad is just as fucked up as your first ex boyfriend. Your mom is just as fucked up as that girl in school you hated. Were all just people. Their wisdom is limited by their life experiences and the time and place they lived in to get them; they dont know everything. They dont even know most things. My parents are no different. I love my mom and dad, but i stopped worrying about what they thought about my choices a long time ago. I think im baised though, maybe. I think that other people just have a better relationship with their families than i do, and so maybe thats why they care so much. Maybe its not totally so much because they think their parents know better? I dont know. I just know its something i dont understand.


i dont understand people who spend all their time worrying about what god wants in their life. Imagine, for a second, that there was no god. Try and explain away what your doing without admitting to mental illness. Thats not even the worst of it though. I think about the stories ive read in the bible, and the bloodthirsty spirit of the old testament god, and the whole bronze age feel of the whole deal, and i cant help but think its some grimms fairytale version of the santa claus story. I hold myself accountable for my decisions, weighing the impact that they will have on the emotional and psychological well being of the people around me. I dont need to know that ill not get my reward if im bad, and be punished to boot. I dont need that reinforcement, because im an adult. I dont need to have some paranoid phobic construct to keep me in line, because im an adult. I think about my choices, and the weight they will have on the lives of others, and i contemplate it with caution and an attempt at tempered compassion. Whenever someone talks about how they feel about what GOD thinks of their choices, i see weakness, and a lack of moral backbone. Why do you still need those moral training wheels? Cant we move past it? God is so far from the most immediate reason to do the right thing, that i cant understand the sentiment. Again, im probably very biased by my own experiences, and i admit that there are things i dont understand. This attitude is one of them.

I dont understand why i can move beyond those two crutches but not the third. I dont understand why its so much easier for me to want things for other people, and work towards that, and let those things shape my choices, especially when i see the clear flaws in thinking that way. When im in love, i want to be influenced. I want the person to try and pull me into things i never wanted to do, but do anyway because i want to make them happy. When im with someone i want to sacrifice my own mundane desires to attempt to fulfill theirs. I do this while condemning others for doing the same thing for their parents, or god ,or whatever other idol theve chosen to sacrifice themselves to. And this shit has got to stop.

I cant tolerate a hypocrisy within myself that i know better than. In my current relationship, lilly generally refuses to indulge my behavior, which has sort of forced me into dealing with it. She doesnt want to be that to me. Lilly is so independent, and the last thing she wants is to be in a codependent relationship. Shes done it before, and never wants to do it again, so when i push for her to give me direction, she pushes back, and its put me in a place ive never been before. Completely independent and still in a relationship. In some ways its scary, and it makes me feel lonely, and sometimes i feel like im not in a relationship at all, but i know that thats only because im used to something less healthy. Im accustomed to a sicker love.

Im used to the relationship people have with their parents or their god, where they look to the other person for discipline, guidance, control, and an anchor. Lilly wants to be my equal, and so for the first time, im in a relationship that isnt what i wanted, but is what i needed, and its reshaping what i want. Shes coaxing growth out of me in a painful way, and its good. I had been afraid i would accidentally sabotage it through my own insecurity and flaw, but shes just as determined to be with me in spite of me as she is to do it on her own terms.



Im twenty two, very nearly twenty three. I try to make adjustments to my character, and i try and make adjustments to my behaviors. i dont FEEL like ive grown, but i guess i have. Evolution is small changes over time, and i know ive made small changes regularly for a long time now. So i guess that no matter how i feel, that i have grown, and i will continue to grow.

I dont understand why i forget that; that i have changed so much. Why is it that when i make measure of my accomplishments for the last five years, i always neglect the internal progress. Ive changed more internally in just this year than many people do in their whole lives, and that has to count for something.

Emotional growth counts for something and if nothing else had changed, at least now i can admit what i dont understand, and that itself might be enough.

im not sure what direction i should be moving in. Every year at about this time, i reflect on how ive wasted my time. I guess i do it twice a year, at newyears and then again at my birthday. Im about to be 23, and i dont really know where i should be in life at this point.

Someone tell me its ok to be in the same place at 23 that you were at 18, or tell me im not in the same place.


~

Im going to be going to see Lilly in a little while. Ive got a couple days off, so ill be staying with her for that time. Shell have to work most of that time, so its a good thing that ive got my DS working again. I downloaded pokemon platinum, and GTA chinatown wars, but i cant get GTA to work. I guess ill be leveling my pokemanz.

~

i set up a twitter, and made it so whenever i change my facebook status, it automatically updates my twitter. I also set it up so i can twitter from text messages. I know no one really cares about twitter, but im telling you any-fucking-way because i want to.

~

i downloaded and started playing a free MMORPG called Granado Espada. It was released in America with the tagline "sword of the new world", which is sort of the whole niche of the game. Its an age of exploration swashbucklery game that seems pretty cool There isnt a whole ton of character customization, but instead you control multiple characters at once, which i admittedly havent gotten the hang of yet. It has the feel of a console rpg that you play in an mmorpg environment. Apparently you can collect and trade NPC' party members as well. Its kind of neat really.

~

I dont know if you know what Red Vs Blue is, but i found a preview to an apparent new Animated Series which looks like its going to be fucking awesome. Ive heard some places, though, that its just a clip, and that there will be no series. I really fucking hope there is.

~

anyway, i dont use the computer much when im at Lilly's, so ill be offline for a bit. LATER.

i wish i had a lifetime of lifetimes to spend one with each person that lives.

I know so many people already, and i don't feel like i have the time or means to give them everything they deserve; to be the friend i want to be. I'm also probably a little too self interested. I spend so much time thinking about what i want in life, or what i hope to do, or where i'm going, or contemplating the consequence of where i've been, i feel like i waste it. I don't really know what my standard for success would be, but i know i feel like i'm not there yet. Id like to be positive, and say that you cant fail until you've stopped trying, but its hard to not feel like a Kind of failure when you know you should have made more progress by now.

~

next week i work Monday 4-9:30, im off Tuesday-Thursday, i work Friday&Saturday 3-9:30, and Sunday 7-4. That's three days off in a row, starting Tuesday. I only get about 26 hours, and i'm not really sure how i feel about that. I wish i got more hours, really, because i'm nearly broke. And besides, other than seeing Lilly, what the fuck am i going to do with my free time? I saw Lilly again Saturday to Friday, and i guess maybe ill try and see her again this next week, at least i hope i can.

~

Ive been thinking alot about who i am, really. There is a person i believe i am, and a person other people see me as. Then there is the person i want to someday be. These three people have incongruities between them, and i want to narrow those gaps. I want them to someday all be the same man, and im trying to figure out how to make that happen.

~

While i'm writing this, i am watching the first episode of NBC's new show Kings which is a modern retelling of the biblical story of David. The first episode is called "Goliath", and i'm a third of the way through it. The setting is what draws me in i think, its set in North America in the midst of a world war scale war between several Nations, and the Nation that it focuses on is a Monarchy. Yes, a North American monarchy. Yes, Trench warfare in the US. It is as cool as it sounds. Its Probably the best show i've seen in a while. I mean its hard to compare it to shows like Battlestar Galactica which i hear just finished up (i havent watched any shows this season), but im sure its going to be good.

~

Work is something else. I don't like it as much as i did Quizno's, but i sure don't hate it. The work i do is pretty routine. Its an easy thing to fall into, at least so far. I know most of the stuff i need to know, but i knew most of that by the second day. Now its just being able to identify several kinds of bread, cakes, cookies and other baked goods by appearance alone, and that's just something that takes time. I don't think i'm bad at my job. I think the things that make me good at it are the things that make me good at most things i set my mind to being good at them; that i can decide to be good at them. I just try, really hard, and decide i am going to do it, and generally i do.

But i think its important to remember the times when it wasn't enough, and that it isn't always. Ive wanted things so badly to work, and found that no matter how hard i tried, and often in spite of it, things fell apart anyway.

Sometimes a will is not a way.
(but most times it is)

~

i guess im done now, and ill go to bed.

~

i never know what to write here anymore. I always sit down and stare at the blank screen, wanting to update out of a feeling of obligation, but really lacking in anything i really want or know how to say in a way other people can understand. I guess i'm becoming more introspective, or secretive maybe.

I used to be so annoyed by introspective people, because i felt like they trust their own wisdom too much; that they don't seek or crave input from others. I don't really think that's the case anymore, i mean not all personality types have psychological prerequisites.

I guess i just do the same things over and over. I work, i get online, and i talk to Lilly as much as possible. Whenever i can, i spend time with her. There isn't much more to my life than that these days, you know? I'm getting where i miss Brenden an intense amount too, and i don't even know how to cope with that.

I saw her Saturday night and Sunday. She went back home the next day, and of course i was sad. We talked alot, idk. We have a different kind of relationship than the kind im used to.

I closed Monday at work, and it was my first time closing alone. What made it so much harder than it usually would be is is that The Vice president of the company, and the District manager were both there. Idk, its not so bad i guess. I close again tomorrow night, and the night after. When i get off work Thursday, Jason's taking me to see Lilly. Ill come back Friday night, (i'm off Friday) and then close again Saturday and Sunday. Im excited.


~

I worry alot, and i change my mind about things so often that i think its sometimes hard for people to know where i stand. I stand open to new information, thats where i am. I think its silly and arrogant to lock something in as "ok i know this, its settled, topic closed for discussion, im moving on". I try and revisit anything i think from time to time. I like to think about things, i like solving problems, and dwelling on things is how i do that.

I dont mean to be confusing, or seem unclear, im just saying, to me, nothing is sacred. I dont decide things, and then never think about them again. Its just not me. Its not really a good thing or a bad thing, its just a me thing? I dont know why i do it, and i cant justify it much more than ive already tried to. Just try and understand it ok?

~

i dont know what to say. things are changing, and fast, but not fast enough. I don't really know exactly what i want anymore. I don't trust my emotions. There is no cohesion between The things i want, the things i think i want, and the things i think i should want. I don't know what the hell i'm doing. its awesome.

I love Lilly. i want to be around her all the time, and before we were dating, i didn't really have any solid goals. I kind of had this vague list of things i might want to do at some point. Now, i kind of have that still, but i want things. I don't know. I feel differently. Im really nervous about losing not just her and Brenden, but about losing that drive. I have no reason to be afraid, no cause to believe its at all likely, i think that im just on some level attempting to sabatoge myself. I dont know how to be happy because ive never really been it. Not really, not in the conflict-resolving relatively-peaceful and overall-content way. Ive never been happy like this, and because ive never known love without conflict, im looking for the conflict so i can believe im being loved. Its pretty pathetic really, and id better sort it out before i fuck things up accidentally.

But that's whats great about this really. I'm not sure i could even accidentally fuck it up. Lilly is so fucking patient and understanding that i'm not sure i'm capable of testing her beyond her limits. Not and still be me. Which is good i guess, because im fucking retarded :]

~

while Lilly was down, we sat outside for a while on a bench near my house during one of the nicest days ive seen this year, and just talked. We talked alot those last few days. Ive been thinking about what makes relationships strong and what makes them weak, and how we could make our relationship stronger, and i think thats it really. She and i were friends before anything else, and thats really where i strengths lie, in that we're friends. I think thats what can make me feel better about things than anything else.

~

i dont really know what else to say. Im super tired, and i have work tomorrow evening, so i dont need to sleep all day. I guess im saying goodnight

(written last night, posted today)

Lonliness is the inability to enjoy solitude; i know this because i am lonely every time im alone. I dont deal well with free time. For the last couple weeks, ive had alot of free time. Ive been incapable of escaping my worry. Ive been stressed, and ive done nothing but overthink and analyze. When im alone, when im unoccupied, i dissect myself. Id call it masochism if i actually enjoyed it, but its really more of a compulsion. I am my own torturer. My own nature is my Punishment.

Thats the thing. I dont know why i let worry or fear get the best of me. It isnt productive, and its pretty much always the opposite. I know better. Im smarter than generalized anxiety. I am supposed to have more control than this.

And the worst part is, im not even unhappy. Im actually really happy, Happier than i have been in a long time. Im just, for what ever reason, using my free time to worry and stress and tax the people around me in a way that could ruin everything.

I really hope having less free time makes this better,
but even if it does,
i still dont know why i do this,
or how to stop.

~

Tomorrow i start a new Job. I like new beginnings, i like a challenge. I hate not knowing how to do a thing, but i love to learn. Ill work most of this week, sometimes getting a ride, sometimes walking. Lilly starts her new job tomorrow too. Im not sure what this is going to be like, but i imagine us talking about our day alot. I dont know how often our schedules will sync up well enough for me to actually be able to see her. I suspect it wont be often. Im afraid it wont, but i love her, and she loves me, and i really think we can work through it.

~

Today Jason and i went to lunch together. He had heard that the nearby Adventist college had a Vegetarian buffet that was open to the public, and he wanted to try it out. Its a mostly black college, but the woman at the cafeteria was Thai, and she talked to us for a long time. It turns out we had missed the buffet hours, but she talked to us in a Thai accent about how Vegetarianism was the best choice you could make for your body, and about how shed been at the school for thirty something years and alot of other things i dont recall. She was a really nice lady, and that was probably the most adventuresome thing ive done all day.

~

We saw Watchmen the other day, and it was pretty bad. I mean, most people might not think so. It was bad in the same way that V for Vendetta was bad; you could enjoy it if you hadnt read the book first. Otherwise it was fun to watch, you know? I still think Watchmen had a horrible soundtrack though. The movie looked nice, though, i guess.

Ive also watched The Darjeeling Limited today, and i liked it, though the ending was pretty odd to me. Wes Anderson does that alot though, so it wasnt really a surprise. I have so many things i want to watch, but i dont really have time. Not really.

~

Tonight was really great. Lilly and i talked alot today, and spent time on webcam together, and i dont know. i love her so much. Shes really good to me. I think shes really good FOR me.

~

Ok, i guess thats all. Like most of my entries, this thing was written off and on over the span of several hours, so i guess maybe the mood shifts a little at different parts. All in all, i feel good, and i really just miss lilly.

anyway, i guess im going to bed.

i am a doubter, a worrier, and a skeptic. I dont think calling me a pessimist is accurate though. I dont have enough feeling attached to it, usually, to really be that way, and its not like i dont look for the good too. Its not about seeking out the bad, or ignoring it for the sake of the good. I just want to know. Its about knowing, about stability, certainty.

Maybe thats my real problem with lying. I see the need for lies, i know they are a social lubricant, and a necessity in alot of situations, but i dont like them. And i think thats what it comes down too, that they make things murky and unclear. They foil specific concise communication, and ultimately, they often end up wasting alot of time. Id rather just be open, honest, specific, and never do anything id have to lie about. So maybe thats what its really about for me, about everyone knowing.

I like puzzles, problems, and mind-meat tasks that i can wrestle with. Being unemployed again has left me with more time to think than i really want. I sit around and roll things about in my mind. I need something to do all the time, so ive been playing video games again, and playing with legos. I cant sit long without a problem to solve, and im not really sure why, beyond that ive conditioned myself to work that way. Simplify Simplify! But really, generally the solution isnt really a solution, and the problem isnt really a problem. Really what im looking for is more information, more tools to help me solve problems later.

I really like getting to know people. I like talking to them and hearing about how they deal with things, how they see things, and watching them live their lives. People are, i think, by default honest. I think we all radiate information, that everyone wants to be understood, and that we tell everyone all sorts of things about ourselves with our preferences, patterns and body language. Its a secret language and all you have to do is know how to listen. Everyone is a problem trying to solve itself.

I doubt. I dont trust, i dont believe, i dont rely, i dont depend. I wait, and doubt. I analyze, calculate, and attempt to predict, but i dont do those other things. I wish i did, but i dont. I cant make myself trust people, or believe that someone wont do something i know damned well is within their nature.

I am not a magical thinker. I dont believe in gods or a god, in luck or psychics, in aliens or ghosts, or anything else like that. I dont believe in things that cant be proven. Thats just the way. Whenever someone makes a claim, the default position should be to not believe them. Thats what the burden of proof is about. If you present something you dont know to be true to someone else as a fact, you are a liar. Until something is proven to be true, it is untrue. You shouldnt believe something just because you want to, thats lying to yourself. Hope is a useful tool, just like lying, but it isnt something someone who seeks truth should do.

If you present something you dont know to be true to someone else as a fact, you are a liar. That is what a "believer" does. Im not an atheist, i dont claim to know there is no god. I make no claims. Making a positive claim to have something that is TRUE is something a fool does.

Dont think i dont have some soft beliefs, because i do, but there is no belief that is sacred to me. Nothing i believe is beyond me doubting it, and nothing i believe is something i would hold onto if it was proven false.

I am in love. Being the person i am, and being in love, is very hard. Its hard to accept that someone else loves you. Its hard to believe that they see merit where you do not. Its hard to believe someone when they say that they will never hurt you. Its hard to believe that you wont hurt someone. I know my past, i know the stupid things ive done, and its hard to KNOW i wont make similar mistakes again. I say horrible things, and i am hurtful, and i dont want to be that person.

The point is, Love is about believing, and Im not really a believer. Im trying to believe in her, believe the things she says, but i cant. I cant know. So i can only do what i always do. Wait, watch, and try and forgive when hurt. Focus, be vigilant, and hope she forgives me if i make a mistake. I dont know what else to do. This is my best. I know how i feel, and what i think it means.

Love is strange and scary, and i know so many things i cant prove.
and I think i accidentally believe in something.

I want to understand myself, so i can understand how to be better. Most of the things ive been thinking about lately, that arent Lilly, have to do with ways to improve myself, or learn why i do the things i do, so i can get to the root of things.

It only makes sense to seek purpose within yourself, the world is infinite, but you are finite. If you look within, youve got a better chance of understanding things period. If you can understand what you are, you know what you arent by simple elimination. I want to understand myself so i can understand my place in the world; i want to understand myself so i understand the filter through which all knowledge will pass.

i love so abundantly, but i have alot of pain ive put away inside me. I think that if i ever want to be a good thing, a really good thing, for anyone, that i have to seek out the sources of that pain and eliminate them through understanding and reflection. All ive ever wanted to be was a good thing for the people i love, and ive got to learn to be a stronger person with more self control if i ever want to be that. I want to know why i am the way i am, so i can understand how to be something else.

~

Ive been thinking about how wisdom makes you naturally humble, and so those who are wise seldom think themselves so. Earlier this week a woman told me she had been married to her husband fifty two years, and then, without any prompting, said something really condescending about how i had alot to learn about life. After she walked away i turned to my boss and said "i hadnt thought about that before now." and she asked me what i meant and i said "the tragedy of age without wisdom." Thats not what i want my twilight to be like. I dont want to go out with a Holier than thou mindset, where i think because ive experienced things that i am wise and have somehow invalidated other peoples life expediences.

The fact is that every moment is a unique quantum event, and while we can learn some things from the basic patterns of the world around us, its important to remember that every moment, every situation, every instant is unique. Everything that has happened had a first similar event of its archetype, meaning at some point there was no wisdom known that could apply. The world is not a less original place now than it was then, and there is no reason to think that original initial experiences dont still happen all around us every moment. Im saying dont be a dick, odds are everyone has been through some shit you havent, and knows something you dont. Dont take that for granted.

~

Another thing that happened this week; i was looking at artwork, and i saw a picture that said "the secret to happiness is finding something bigger than yourself and devoting yourself to it completely." I found this to be one of the most depressing things ive seen in a while. To many people, this is probably true. They think that because they have surrendered their will to some person, idea, or philosophy, or organization, that they have found release, and thats almost what has happened but not quite. The secret to happiness, in my opinion, is letting go of desire, need and expectation. Just stop WANTING so damned much. Most people believe that acquiring things that they want will make them happy, but that is untrue. What is actually happening is that releasing that desire has made them happy, that when they acquired the thing they wanted, they didnt desire it so much anymore. They laid down that emotional burden, and it made them happy. Anger comes from not getting what you wanted. Disappointment comes from not getting what you expected. Depression comes from finding incongruity between what you thought your life should have been and what it actually was. The source of all these pains isnt how things happened, or what you got, because you cant control those things. The source of the pain was WHAT YOU EXPECTED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

People surrender themselves to god, or to the will of some other force, and let go of the things they want. They make their desires the desires of this other thing, and so they experience release. On some level, the picture was telling the truth. It was so tip of the tongue close, but still wrong. You control all the standards. You choose who you want to be, what rules you choose to obey, which morality you choose to adopt, and what punishment you give yourself when you fall short of the goals you have set. You are your own master, your mind is your own torturer. Knowing this, knowing that you are a chained titan of will, imprisoned by your own desires, why then do you continue on this path?

You dont have to do this to yourself. Every burden you have is a burden youve chosen.

~

I read a quote a while back, that said "love is the unmistakable recognition that something besides yourself is real." and i think it really appealed to my existential paranoia. For someone who occasionally doubts even the most basic fundamental "truths", that is the perfect definition. Being in love is believing something else, outside oneself, to be real, and to suddenly want all of the things you could want for yourself, for this other legitimate thing. To want this other thing to live in the best of all possible worlds, that is love. To feel that within the world of shadow ideas that you have doubted, there is something substantial and real; something to hold on to.

My fear makes me doubt the world around me, and my love makes me know that it is real. Sometimes i love everyone, and everything. Other times im so afraid that im alone that i cant muster concern for anything. I have a fear that there is no world, that i am a dreamer in a dakr room; but most days i know that isnt true. Maybe on some level i would prefer that were true, rather than see the world as full of pain as it is.

Being in love with one person is something ive never been very good at. There is something that feels inherently wrong about focusing all my thoughts onto any one person, place or thing. But its something i can do when i feel that same focus on me. When i know that someone i appreciate is looking at me with a glossy eye, and an affectionate warmth, i cant help but focus on them. And sometimes theres a person that is more than that. Sometimes theres a person who doesnt look at me in any special way, but i get a glimpse of their mind, and theres a certain beauty to how it works. Sometimes i fall in love all on my own.

Im in love with Lilly. I think everything about her is perfect; perfect in the sense that she is all the things i could have wanted. Shes warm and kind and honest, and has just the right amount of self doubt to keep her basic beautiful nature from being a hindrance. I think she is fantastic. But theres an added dimension to that that i find terrifying. She feels the same about me.

I am so painfully aware of my faults and flaws, and habits and horrible tendencies that i have trouble imagining why she loves me. I am biased, and i know it, which is a step towards objectivity, but hardly the thing itself. I know myself pretty well, i think, but i know that there are a great mnay things i DONT know, or understand. If someone can feel a way about me that i cant understand, then it means my opinion of myself is flawed. I am aware i have positive qualities, but i dont think they merit this love. Her love is big, broad, and sweeping. I dont understand it yet, but its so far, thankfully untested. I dont hurry the inevitable bumps, but ill certainly feel more secure once we have a few under our belt.

Its just on some level, i feel like its too soon for all my big plans, and that my heart is so far ahead of my head that ive abandoned all hope of caution. I need to get things back under reign. Keeping myself safe is out of the question, but maybe keeping things paced isnt.

Or maybe im just too afraid of being hurt again to let things wander about at their own pace; or to trust someone else with my heart. Maybe i feel like i have to keep some semblance of control so i can pretend im somehow semi-safe. But if i know its bullshit, then it does no good to try and pretend its not.

Do you see what im doing to myself? Do you see whats happening in my mind? I want to be a good thing for someone else, but im too afraid of being crippled by betrayal to actually just let fucking go. Im only like this when shes not around though, i only worry when i have the time.

Love can make you so unreasonable. This last section is mostly just babble, and im not sure if ive made any sense at all. I worry too much. I am worrying, far far too much. Im nervous, and i only relax when shes actually around, which isnt nearly often enough.

i am completely aware that my brain is eating itself, and that if i took my own advice from the previous section, id know that this burden is one im choosing, and that i could let this go if i would just try harder. But im so afraid to be hurt again. The fear, that fear... its intense. Im working on it, but seriously. Its huge. and its alot of what im trying to understand and refocus. I need to find a direction i can work this in so that i can make that same fear fight itself. Its like solomon binding a demon, except its your own internal conflict that youre attempting to rechannel into something constructive.






fuckthis, im going to bed.
and no, im not deleting the crazy shit i just typed for the last ten minutes. backspace is for liars.

Im happy, mostly, though ive got alot on my mind. Im busy most days, and its taxing, but at least im proud of my soreness.Im confused, and worried, but im content with my tiny crises. Im trying to plan for a future full of indefinites, but im still glad that i can finally believe in any kind of future at all.


i dont trust people. i wait for the betrayal and try to forgive, but i dont trust. And now, im trying to trust. I dont know what im doing. I know the odds, but im trying.


i want to make good choices. I need to believe im making good choices. I want to know all the variables, all the facts, all the possibilities and potentialities, but that isnt how it works. I cant always be in control, and sometimes i have to take a chance. And its not like me.


I dont gamble, i take calculated risks; but sometimes, there isnt enough information to calculate, and i have to step forward into the fog. And it scares me.


but its life. Time keeps moving even if you dont, and if you dont, it will march right over you. i have to move forward, even into a misty night. I have to move forward, and sometimes moving forward is more important than making the right choice.


Sometimes the only right choice is choosing something in time to choose anything at all.

the last few hours, the last few days, the last few weeks;
ive spent them all waiting for things to change for the better.

i think things are waiting for me to change too.

~

i want to be appreciated. I think everyone does. And i also think that when you dont think much of yourself, its hard to accept that anyone else does. Its easy to think no one loves you, likes you, needs or appreciates you, especially when you use that old standby that the people who claim to love you dont really KNOW you.

There's a part in ThePerksOfBeingAWallflower where Chbosky writes "we accept the love we think we deserve" and i dont think that its ever been said more simply than that.

Earlier this week a friend and i were talking about how that friend believes themselves to be a bad person at their core, and somehow undeserving of appreciation, i said "you know when you say that i dont really know what sort of person you are that youre insulting my intelligence on some level. How could you think that you could conceal yourself so thoroughly that i couldnt perceive what sort of person you are? And if you were smart enough to hide yourself that well, shouldnt you at least feel good about being more cunning than the people who know you?"

But thats what it comes down to. There is a side of you that others wont see, a side only you can see, sure. But there is another side, a side that others can see, which is something you can never really understand. We dont get to know the person we are to everyone else. We only get shadows.

Somehow, at some point, i became important to other people. I think it began with me lying to try and conceal the insecurities i was ashamed of, and moved through when i tried to show my insecurities to the world, and change. The i saw what i was, and i wanted it to be better, stronger, and different. I mean, on some level, i was just being pathetic. I used self improvement as a coping method, using the idea that who i would be tomorrow would justify and make tolerable the person i am today... but somewhere in there it changed into another thing.

Sometimes i think I keep trying to help people, because i dont know how to help myself. That is the earmark of a codependent; trying to do for others what you cant do for yourself, hoping you can find someone who will do the same.

I have a good heart, i know i do. I want to get the right things in the right ways. Im tired of having to beg, barter, bribe and steal to get anything i can be somewhat proud of. Im trying very hard to change my most basic nature, but fundamentally im doing this for other people.

Im not trying to better myself for myself directly; im trying to better myself because i want to be a good person. I want to be a good person so i can be able to help other people, and be someone others can love. And i want to be someone others can love so i can tolerate life.

If you stop walking, you have to die or be carried. I cant bear to live with someone carrying me, and im important enough to other people that letting myself die would be multiple murder, so i have to walk. I just have to keep walking.

~

People do love me. I know that, but on some level im not really capable of feeling that as well as i would like. Sometimes i think i like being loved, that i like having people call or care, but then other times i dont. Love comes with a certain investment, and its really really hard for most people to love someone without EXPECTING something. When most people love its not so much about the other person, or about how they feel about them as it is about how THEY FEEL. Love can be a very very selfish thing. Its so hard for most people to love and just do that, just love. No strings. But the fact is that those strings, that hope, those expectations, any of that stuff that comes with loving someone as a son, a brother, a friend, a lover... its all kindof unfair.

It is wrong to try and set a standard of success for someone else. Its wrong to ask someone to do what you think is best for them.

Seriously. Whenever you want a thing for someone else, you are coming very close to violating their individuality, and their right to choose their own path in life. Its not Fair to be Disappointed in someone else because they havent become the thing you thought they should have, or done the things you wanted them to do.

Sometimes people tell me im good at one thing, or they look at me with these sad eyes and ask me why im not doing this other thing, or they come around every few months to take a nice long hard judgmental look at my life and tell me how to fix it up. I know these people love me, but they are totally doing it wrong.

i really dont believe that anyone else knows whats best for me better than i do, since im the one SETTING MY OWN GOALS. i know how best to achieve my goals, since i am the one who chooses them. I believe you, that you think you know whats best for me, but i also think you know how i could best achieve the goals YOU set, not the ones i have.

I dont know how well other people can understand what im trying to say, but what im saying is that we all get one life. Only one. The most sacred thing in that life is the ability to make a choice, and everyone knows this on some basic level. But when you love someone, you dont want to see them hurt, or see them hurt themselves, and you certainly dont want to lose that FEELING, so you start to plot and plan and hope and dream and give advice and suggest things and do all sorts of other things that COMPLETELY VIOLATE their right to make their own goddamned choices. And so its hard for me to accept love, or help, or advice.

Its nothing personal, its just MY LIFE, and ive only got one. Clearly you have one too, so ill do what i want to do, and you do what you want to do, and lets try and remember that our Right to move our arms ends at the very tip of someone elses nose.

Love is not about what you want for someone else. Love is not about preserving the FEELING that you are having. Love is about caring about someone very deeply, and wanting to make their goals your own. Love is about wanting someone ELSES DREAMS to come true.

Love isnt love if you cant put yourself aside.

Weakness, Surrender, and Breakdown is a choice. When it comes down to it, all willpower is really is CHOOSING power. Its the energy, the stubborness, the endurance, the force to choose no matter how hard it is. Theres this magical energy that comes to you when you dont want to choose something, when you dont want to do something, when everything in you says NO and you say YES anyway. You stretch your limits, you push your boundaries, and the next time, its not so hard to reach that far again.

I remember when i was in highschool, i thought that getting out of bed had to be the hardest thing i would do all day. And really, it was. I was depressed as hell, and broken, and i just didnt want to do anything. But getting out of bed was saying "i will try, and i will fail miserably, and i will try again anyway, because i have to."

What im trying to say is that ultimately, giving up is a choice, which means that NOT giving up is a choice too. Im saying that all you have to do is keep trying. Try again. Over and over. Im saying that in that hardest moment, in the most painful agonizing blink of time, you have to make a choice, and what you CHOOSE, is the real gauge of your will. It shows exactly how bad you want what youre trying for, and exactly how far you are willing to go.

And if in that moment you dont choose to try harder than you can actually try, then maybe you dont want what you thought you wanted nearly as bad as you thought.

But thats not all there is to it. On some level, knowing that weakness is a choice is a power in itself. Knowing that you are choosing your fate can give you strength. Knowing that you could walk out, you could leave, you could give up and quit, and that you are CHOOSING NOT TO; that can grant you a strength all its own.

In the end, when im broken and frustrated, and falling apart, knowing that i have the power to choose is the only thing that keeps me sane. Knowing that i could give up if i wanted to, and that nothing is keeping me trying but me. Knowing that ive held on this long only BECAUSE OF MY OWN WILL, thats the only thing that keeps me here. Knowing that choice is power keeps me sane.

I consider this my only virtue; that i have good intentions, and try harder than anyone. But sometimes, knowing i get to choose if i draw another breath or not is the only thing that keeps me breathing. Knowing that in the end, I am all that holds me together is the only thing that holds me together.

~

i promised to post the pic i drew, so i am.
( Cicero )

~

So, i read they are making a sequel to Hancock which was 2/3 a good movie, and a prequel to I Am Legend which was a movie based on a book, which in case you didnt know, didnt have a sequel or a prequel. I think i might rage a little.

GOOD NEWS IS that theres a trailer for the new movie TERMINATOR: SALVATION. God i want to see that.

~

The last few days ive felt like SHIT. Im stressed for so many reasons. Nothing i can explain, and nothing that is any one thing or person. Ive just been taxed, and im starting to feel the weight of it. Its funny how sometimes you can build up an emotional debt, where youve been putting so many things back and then at some point you have to deal with it all.

With Aijalon gone from work, im nervous. We were already understaffed, and now we will be operating at BARE BONES capacity. We will basically all work every day we are open. For a Few weeks though, we can float like this. Next week Tina is having someone come in and help on register, then the week after will be the week of Christmas, in which we are closed, and the week after that is New years, when we are also closed. So it may not be so bad, but the second week of January, we will really need to consider a new hire.

Im probably going to have to go to have my foot looked at by an actual doctor soon, and i dont have health insurance, so that will be awesome. I need to take my kitty to get fixed too, and i dont even know when ill have time or money for that.

Its looking like MAYBE Jason and i will get an apartment, MAYBE, in March. I really hope so. Its also looking like dad might MAYBE come look at the car Cat gave me, and MAYBE be able to fix it, which would be fantastic. Im pretty certain that'll cost me money, but idk.

Things are MAYBE looking up MAYBE. As long as i dont implode, and i keep trying, and begging people to help, MAYBE i can skirt through this by my eyeteeth.

~

anyway, i guess im done. for now at least.

The Weakerthans
Utilities

got this feeling that today doesn't like me
oh, the air tastes like flowers and paint.
there's a sink full of bottles and cutlery
and the car has got a list of complaints.
i just wish i were a toothbrush or a solder gun
make me something somebody can use.
we can wish on the pop of a lightbulb
or those photos lying yellowed and curled.
lose some boxes near abandoned electronics
in the corners of the basements of the world.
guess our wishes don't do dishes or brake repairs
make them something somebody can use.

got a face full of ominous weather
smirking smile of a high pressure ridge
got more faults than the state of california
and the heart is a badly built bridge
seems the most i have to offer
doesn't offer much
make it something somebody can use.
make this
something somebody
can use.


I was listening to this song today and was thinking about some other things, and they combined in my mind into a question relating to the phrase "make yourself useful". I think that maybe the only reason its offensive is that it implies you weren't useful prior to the statement.

We all want to be useful; we all want to be used in some way. I think thats part of the appeal of god, i think thats part of the appeal of love. Its why we do things for those we love. Its why we all seek to have a greater purpose to our lives. In alot of ways, i think it really comes back to the basic question we ask: "why am i here". We want so badly to have a purpose, to be of some use, because we want to have an answer to that question, we want to have a meaning to our lives.


Really, in alot of ways, im still new to the whole being alive thing. Im sortof uncomfortable with the space between myself and everyone else, like on some level it feels unnatural to me. Its like i am uncomfortable with my inability to read minds, and with the isolation that in identity gives me. I dont like being myself because on some level, building a sense of self, being alive and a a single being, cuts me apart from the rest of the universe.

It will always feel abnormal to me that i feel so isolated. I feel like i should be more a part of the world around me; that i shouldnt have to say a thing or do a thing to be understood or for the thing to be done. I dont know if that makes sense to anyone else, but its how i feel.

"You, Yourself,
as much as anyone else in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection."
-Buddha

~

i dont like myself very much, even if i am fixated on talking about me. Im pretty fucking interested in self improvement, but i think its probably for the wrong reasons. I want to be better because the idea of being better satisfies my insecurities to a degree that i can tolerate them. I dont think that this is really what i want to be like forever.

The most positive thing i can think to say about myself is that ive made progress. And i dont want that to be things are. I want to become more capable of appreciating myself, and more humble about it.

"Whenever you see arrogance, know it is the mask that insecurity wears." I dont want to think im arrogant, but i do think i project confidence. And i know im insecure. I will figure this out.

I dont believe myself without merit. But i dont see much merit in myself; all of the things i think have worth are things ive learned. I have trouble appreciating the basic me-stuffs.

I want to want to be better, but i want to also like who i am now. Whenever i try and think about how i feel about who i am, i instinctively seek flaw. Im nigh incapable of appreciating anything good about myself. When others say positive things i always think something to the effect of "well i could see how you would think that" because i dont really believe its true. I believe i can be perceived as better than i am, but its hard to believe i am anything but better. Its hard to believe that i am good as i am.

How do you accept something knowing there is room for improvement, and call it anything but settling? This is what i have to figure out.

Neutral Milk Hotel
Where youll Find Me Now

All I perceive is wasted and broken
Silvery streams, sacred when spoken
Slam into me and into the ditch of debris
And you smoke in the park, you sleep in the greenery
Everyone barks and they are all still believing
To tear out your heart would send all your secrets to me

But I let you down
Swollen and small is where you'll find me now
With that silver stripping off
From my tongue you're tearing out
And you'll never hear me talk

Your teeth believe that teeth are for tearing
Tear into me, the scent of you sweating smells good to me
As long as we keep in our clothes
And out in the dark the world is still rolling
Kids in their cars, cigarette smoking
And all that they are just reeks with the sweetest belief

But I let you down
Swollen and small is where you'll find me now
With that silver stripping off
From my tongue you're tearing out
And you'll never hear me talk

All I could want is silver and spinning
Out from your arms and into the pretty
Pit of your heart, so simply and softly we'd flow

But I let you down
Swollen and small is where you'll find me now
With that silver stripping off
From my tongue you're tearing out
And you'll never hear me talk

Glow
Into you
I will glow
Into you



the people i want to are never online.
sometimes i realize that they dont even get online anymore.
the numbers i want to call arent numbers i can call; and ive nothing to say anyway.
the connections im looking for fell apart a long time ago, and ive nothing to fill its place.

i really dont know what im doing.
i am closest to a cat.

~

Its fall. there is no denying it. i love the fall rains too, i love when its cold and windy and wet. I dont know why, but it just feels so right. I love it so much.

what does that say about me?

~

i have been told that you choose a lover who brings all of your insecurities to the surface, that love is almost about choosing a Nemesis... maybe the real core of the idea is that since we cant choose to not be destroyed, at least we can pick our poison.

Ive always wanted to die in a swordfight.

~

when i was a child, i always felt that i could talk to the other children. If nothing else, just starting a conversation with another child was a conversation. I never worried about if we had things in common, because after all, we were children; we shared our exile from the adult world.

now i think too much. Before i talk to anyone, i think about what their likely insecurities are. As much as we hate to admit it, people generally are mostly who they look to be, and you can guess the probable baggage of a person by their look, style, and body language.

i still talk to people, but its not as easy. these days i feel like i am alone in my exile.

~

sometimes you have this subconscious epiphany in the midst of a dream, and you realize the nature of your situation, that this is a dream, but you dream on anyway. In fact, knowing it is a dream makes it a lucid dream, its like a subconscious enlightenment, and it gives you power over the dream stuff you walk in. But knowing it is a dream and that it has to end doesnt change anything. It doesnt cheapen the dream, it makes it more beautiful.

Life is like that. Love is like that. Basically everything is. If you can accept that there are no permanent things, and let go of this idea of infinity being something a man can ever touch, then youre free. You can fuck up all you want, and in the scheme of things, its not that big of a deal. You could destroy the world, and it wouldnt be a blip on the radar of time.

Stop being a Narcissist. You do not have to be important. You do not have to matter. And even if you did, you wont. Its ok to accept that everything ends. Its ok to embrace oblivion.

And its ok to live the dream while it lasts.
Its your dream, you do what you want.

David Bazan
How I Remember


I go out in public now more than you might think,
But only after several drinks

That's how I remember.

Then if I see any girl I've ever met before,
I run like hell for the door

That's how I remember.

Memory records selected shorts and interpretations,
Then later plays them back as gospel fact.

That's how I remember
That's how I remember

With one eye open,
You can focus like a camera on
Whomever you are capturing.
Without exception I prefer it as a way to document
The objects of my interest

Red and yellow, black and white
Are precious in his eyes
But who he roots for in a fight

That's how I remember

So everytime I find a girl
Beaten, gagged, and bound,
I let her go and write it down

That's how I remember
That's how I remember

~


There are secret realms of you; things about yourself that you cant understand, parts of the cloud of your life that you cant perceive. You can never know what anyone really truly thinks of you. You cant know what paths or opportunities youve cheated yourself out of with little decisions that cost you seconds or minutes, days or weeks. You can never know the people you could have been.You can never know exactly what your own motives are, and you can never understand all of your own biases or needs. You can never know how many people have been effected by little things you said or did, or how many people youve touched. You just cant know.

It terrifies me to know that there are so many things we cant understand about ourselves and out lifes; that we can spend so much time trying to understand ourselves, but that there will always be things we just cant ever know. That no matter how hard i try, i cant turn myself inside out.

~

I wonder sometimes how many moments ive cheated myself out of by trying to understand them while i was in them. The thing i seem to be faced with again and again is that understanding comes with relative objectivity, which you can hardly have in the midst of a moment. I keep trying to answer before i have the whole question; to solve before i have all the elements.

I tried so hard to understand childhood while i was a child, and my father really fed that. He would explain anything and everything i asked. He always said "if i dont know, i know how we can find someone who does", which made me, for the majority of my youth, see him as some sort of guru. The way i saw him really warped my self image, and until i was older and had a solid enough sense of self to question it, i thought he was always right, and that i was always wrong. Dont think i didnt argue with him, because i did, but i never really believed i was right. Arguments with people you love are seldom just about the argument.

I feel, though, that my dad might have done me a disservice by making me think everything had an answer, and that there was always some way to get the information you need. In the real world, there are tough questions that no one really has an answer too. Not even dad.

~

when i was a child alot of things were happening around me. Alot. All the time. In fact, as far back as i can remember, i had this feeling that there were very grown up things happening around me, and that if i was just smarter, i could understand what everyone was talking about. I dont really know how that effected me, but im sure it did.

I guess i learned about dysfunction, death and divorce pretty early. I was only five when my parents, who had been fighting as long as i could remember, got a divorce. It was shortly before that that my fathers mother had died, and i took all of this very hard.

We never lived anywhere very long, and money was always a problem. My mother was spiteful, and my father was angry, but they loved me. I have never known love without a fight. I dont know how to love someone without something to forgive them for.

i think ive spent the majority of my life trying to overcome the spite and anger i learned from my parents. Youre family teaches you how to communicate with the world, and the things i learned werent all good things.

Im older now. Ive learned alot. I try so hard to never do any of the things i used to do, and when i do i feel bad for days. I guess im only writing about this because ive been stressed and short tempered lately, and i dont like it at all.

i dont know. im sorry ive been a douche.

~

More Practical things:

I get paid tomorrow (today technically) and i cant decide if i should attempt to borrow some money and buy a computer, or if i should save. Theres a computer for sale for about 250$, and i really need a computer, so i feel like i should buy it. At the same time, i also feel like i should really save money, and i dont know if anyone i know would loan me 100$ anyway.

The Renaissance Fair is this Saturday. Rachel was supposed to go with me, but she isnt replying to my texts. ive never been to one, so im going to go, although i should, like i said, be saving.

Willow and i keep fighting whenever we try and hang out, which makes me not want to hang out, because i dont know how not to fight. Then i wait a while, and try again, and we fight again. Its really more complicated than this, but i dont know what to do about it.

I got my african setting dnd book, now all i need are the 2 graphic novels i ordered. They seriously need to get here.

My kitty, pixie, is going into heat i think. Shes been really affectionate, and is cooing like a fucking bird lately, so im pretty sure thats the deal. This is going to suck.

I have to work halloween night. i also have to close. and jason and olivia will be at a party, so i dont have a ride home. I guess ill be biking.


Im really tired. I think im going to sleep now.

why the fuck did Dorthy go home?
what the fuck was she thinking?

she gave up all her color.
there are some things
that you just dont go back to.

~

I think one can be a self hating narcissist. I know that you can, because i am. Really, isnt Narcissism more about a fixation on self than it is about a love of self? If i am anything, i am fixated on myself. I dont really think im that great, but i dont really believe in much of anything; i am the only thing i can be sure of. I am the filter all other things pass through. The self is all we really have in the world.

Which is why, i think, maturity comes with the denial of self. I guess motive is important too, but its really about self control, self restraint. Its about how well you can tell yourself no. Generosity, Patience, Tolerance, Kindness, and so many other virtues are all about telling yourself no.

Today, while i was sweeping the lobby at work, i found myself wondering what it is that makes one person messier than another. I wondered if messiness comes from a failure to recognize in every moment that youre actions have consequences; that if you drop this thing, someone has to pick it up. If that person is you, youre only borrowing time from your future self to pay for your laziness now. If that person is someone else, then you are literally squandering moments of someone elses life on your own laziness. To be fair, im paid to clean just like im paid to make sandwiches, and im fully aware that im trading moments of my life for dollars. But thats not the point.

What i was asking myself is if there is some sort of level of thought hygiene that one has to reach to recognize that youre wasting time in some of your actions. In martial arts, you have to be careful of wasting movement in your attack and defence. You should conserve energy, and take the shortest path to your goal. Life is no different. You shouldnt waste time thinking about things you cant change. You shouldnt waste time worrying about the bad things that might happen. Ive said for years, "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and expect something in between."

All this must sound really hypocritical coming from me, the guy who analyzes everything and spends well over half his time thinking about the best and worst case scenario, but i assure you, i dont think i am living up to my ideal. Im working hard, but im hardly there.

Which brings me back to my main point. In every moment, in every lesson, in everything i see and do and think and feel, im wondering what i can learn from it. Im trying to figure out how i can take the things happening around me, good or bad, and use them to better myself.

And i think that maybe, however constructive it is, this is also very very narcissistic.

~

Over the years, ive heard This American Life on the radio a few times, and i always liked it. When they got a show on Showtime i really wanted to watch it. So eventually i went to the website, and i found out they had a streaming archive of the whole history of the show. For a while i listened on there, but it wasnt enough, so i downloaded the whole radio show, which was like 9gigabites. I also downloaded the first season of the show.

So while i had listened on occasion for years, i now have the whole thing. Listening to as many of them as i do a day, its just made me think so much, so often. Its agony, and i love it.

~

sometimes i look in the mirror and i realize i look so tired. I have permanent bags under my eyes, and wrinkles in my brow. Ive changed alot. I dont really know. I guess when i change little things about myself every day, and i try and learn new things all the time, i have to accept that im going to change inside, on a basic level.

I want to believe its all growth, but some of it isnt. Some of it is just change. Ive always felt behind my generation in so many ways, and ahead in others. The reality is, i matured slower, and i think now that im trying to catch up with my age group, im maturing faster than most people would? I have no idea. This idea could be complete bullshit.

i think maybe most of what i think is bullshit anyway. When youre looking for truth, youre aware that pretty much everything you believe is theory, and an imperfect piece of the grand theory of everything; and because of that, you can smell your own bullshit.

thats what its really about.
Wisdom is knowing that the more the you know,
the more youll know that you dont know anything.

~

goodnight.

The Mountain Goats
Autoclave

Hand me your hand, let me look in your eyes
As my last chance to feel human begins to vaporize
Maybe it’s the heat in here, maybe it’s the pressure
You ought to head for the exits, the sooner the better

I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam
And no one in her right mind would make her home my home
My heart’s an autoclave
My heart’s an autoclave

When I try to open up to you I get completely lost
Houses swallowed by the earth, windows thick with frost
And I reach deep down within, but the pathways twist and turn
and there’s no light anywhere, and nothing left to burn

And I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam
And no emotion that’s worth having could call my heart its home
My heart’s an autoclave
My heart’s an autoclave

I dreamt that I was perched atop a throne of human skulls
On a cliff above the ocean, howling wind and shrieking seagulls
And the dream went on forever, one single static frame
Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name

And I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam
And no one in her right mind would make her home my home
My heart’s an autoclave
My heart’s an autoclave

~

I want to talk about things, to write, to elaborate and explain exactly whats going on, and how i feel about it, and what i hope to do... but thats just not possible. You see, i want to be understood. Badly. I want this so badly, that over time, ive let basically everyone know about my journal, and so all of the people involved in anything id talk about know about this journal. But thats only part of the problem.

Ive tried hundreds and hundreds of times to talk to alot of different people about my thoughts and feelings. Trying to communicate with others has been so frustrating and let me down so often that ive sortof stopped trying. Infact ive moved backwards for the most part; i dont know that im even trying to have meaningful interactions anymore. I mean i still talk about my surface feelings, and the moment to moment thoughts or feelings, but the deep self... ive just stopped talking to people about it because no one ever understands. Seriously, they dont.

So Not only have i mopped myself into a corner with the overexposure of this journal, but i dont have anyone to talk to about things to replace what ive lost by compromising my journal.

i have to do something about this. The options are:
a)shamelessly discuss my problems here, and do damage control when people freak out.
or
b)look for someone to talk to about things, and force myself to open up, again, even if it never works. and when it doesnt, do it again until it does.
c)stall till i can get health insurance and then get a therapist.

ill probably do some combination of these things. Christ, im so pathetic though. Why cant i just put thoughts and feelings in jars like most people? Or rather, why cant i find some way to not feel pathetic about how i work?

bah.

in the mean time, ill just keep doing what im doing, which is nothing.

~

Ive been thinking alot about the Stages of Psychosocial Development, and i dont really know how far ive made it on the path. Im not really sure how much resolution you should have in one stage before you move to the next.

Ive also been thinking about insecurities, and how easy it is to develop inappropriate coping methods, and how hard it is to change them once you have them. All these things led me back to something ive talked about before: change and growth.

Everyone changes, but not everyone grows. I define change as the casual adjustments and adaptations that occur over time, but growth is another thing. Growth is when you're faced with a situation, something happens, and you learn something from it. Growth isnt just one instance, growth is borne of a desire to be better, and its hard work. Everyone changes because thats just how life works. You cant help but learn SOME things. But growth, growth is the willingness and steady effort to learn.

Most people are bump and go cars; they only learn when it hurts them. They only change course when they hit a wall. Growth is more than that. It is about extracting information not just from your own mistakes, but from every experience you have. Its about setting up inhibitions and triggered thought patterns in every area you want to better yourself in. Growth is alot harder.

So many times, people only adjust when theyve made a mistake; they only learn when its too late. I think its important that we realize that we have to parent ourselves. We have to be the people our parents werent. We have to be the things we believe in. We have to be the people we wish existed. All ive ever wanted to be was that friendly stranger you never meet. Thats what this is about, to me. Its the source of so many of my insecurities, and its the sourcewell of my pride. It really holds me together sometimes, and most times, the desire to be better, and the constant self analysis, it tries to tear me apart.

But the desire to be better, and the belief that i try harder than most people dare, is the only real reason i can ever feel like i have any worth. So either ill come out of this fire as a hardened and beautiful thing, or ill burn up in the fire, and get to die trying every day to be better. i dont think i am a good man, but i think trying to be gives me worth, and thats not something i should be ashamed of. As fragile as the belief is, i do believe i have worth, and its only because i seek growth. A desire to be better is the only thing that makes it so i can stomach being who i am now, and who ive been; its only the hope that i will be better that makes me capable of being at all.

There is a thing that is so tip of the tongue maddening,
this madness that is always there, in the back of my mind like white noise,
that i was once so completely this one thing; a safe and happier thing,
and that now i am not that thing anymore.
And once youve been secure,
all you ever want again
is security.

I know i seem confident, and i know it seems like im really assertive when i want to be, but really, im just a very insecure person trying to compensate for and stabilize their weak ego.

For the last few days ive felt as if nothing is really as complicated as i make it; as we make it. Maybe nothing really has to be hard. Sometimes i retroactively strip the words out of an conversation, and just mentally replay the interaction, watching what really happened in my mind. Ive been thinking about how so many of the things that seem to mean so much actually dont mean
anything. Ive been trying to get back to a more peaceful place.

I think the core of my current emotional difficulties is one thing, and one thing alone; i dont trust anyone or anything. Because of that, i dont see anything as permanent, stable, trustworthy or reliable, and it has triggered some thing inside me that has me scrambling for a baseline.

In the last few months, ive questioned the reliability and potential reliability of everyone and everything ive ever known. Ive examined every relationship i have to see if i could cultivate more trust, and ive weighed the risk versus likely reward of trying to. I did all this with no idea what i was really doing, or why. I was in a panic.

In the last couple days, ive really been thinking hard about what it is i am really looking for. I dont know that im trying to "find a plan for the future" so much as i am looking for assurance that i wont be alone tomorrow, or the next day, or anytime in the immediate future. By alone, i mean that im afraid that i will find myself without any sort of social or emotional network, which isnt a far cry from the dwarfish network i have now.

I dont feel like i can rely on many people for many things. I mean, there are a couple people, but im afraid that those things wont last. For whatever reason, it seems that people are almost always more important to me than i am to them. It sucks. Badly.

Im rambling. ill talk about another thing.

~

someone told me this week that, a few years ago, they had printed off an entry from this journal, and had kept the entry with them ever since. That sometimes they read the things i wrote that day, and that its comforting to them. I dont know how to take that. I wasnt flattered, I was frightened by the power words i just tossed around had.

~

SHIT I DID LATELY:
Ive been playing pokemon diamond, again, from the beginning.
Ive been listening to alot of music, new music even.
Ive been working alot, which is generally where i listen to the music.
Ive been trying to cultivate new friendships and repair old ones.
Ive been anticipating this book i ordered about African fantasy settings.
I read the graphic novels "Life Sucks" and "The Alcoholic". the second one was better.
Ive been watching "The Office", "Greys Anatomy", and "TrueBlood".
Ive been thinking endlessly about emotional issues, and getting nowhere until today.

basically everyday is the same, to some extent,
i just waste most of them counting hours.

~

tomorrow im riding my bike to work, so i should really get to sleep.

There is too much space between the man i am and the men i would like to be;
and there are too many people i would like to be.

I had a frustration, a need, a want and a pain. I never dealt with it.
When i pressed it inside, it became a quiet and compacted anger;
an anger im usually barely aware of, that is usually undetectable.
im patient enough and tolerant enough that i can even forget its there...
but it is. is always there.

i said all this to say this. Im bitter.
and as badly as i want not to be, im bitter.
its something i need to admit, so i am.


~

Im having a bit of a hard time focusing. i think quite a bit about what im going to do, but i keep hitting a wall. I dont know what i want from my future. I dont know what im planning to do. I have things i want to happen, but they all depend on other people making certain choices that are, i think, unlikely.

Im trying to force myself to write. to talk to other people about how i feel and what i think, but its getting alot harder. At some point, i developed a behavior pattern on denying myself the chance to cope with something, and im only realizing it now. I know better than to do that sort of thing. I know the way these things are supposed to be handled, but for whatever reason i havent been doing what i should, and i didnt even notice.

But ive become so... Dispassionate.

its possible that im misinterpreting this, and that this is in fact, more like how i should be dealing with things. I think most men deal with things this way; but i also know the suicide statistics in men, and the way the entire gender role is oriented around repression, so... yeah. Im unsure. Normal or not, its not the way i want to be.

~

I got the last two books in the "A Song of Ice and Fire" series by George R.R. Martin. The seires really is the best series of books ive ever read, and now i own them all. The books in it are "A Game of Thrones", "A Clash of Kings", "A Storm of Swords" and "A Feast for Crows". There only 4 books out, and the series will be seven books long. The next book, "A Dance with Dragons" comes out next year.

Bleh. I want to reread the series, and i keep telling Jason and Olivia to read it, but the truth is i dont feel like i have the time. And if i dont have the time, then they Certainly dont.

~

For those of you who havent seen me in a while, I added a new picture to my myspace. A couple weeks ago or something (im bad with time), i shaved off my beard, and got over an inch cut off my hair, but its been a bit, so the beard and hair have had time to grow out a little more. I think It looks much better now than when i first did it.

~

Ive been playing alot of games on my DS. The game ive clocked the most hours on is Hotel Dusk, which is a Mystery/Detective game. Its really good, and alot more like a book than a game, though the puzzles and visuals are what set it apart. Ive played alot of others, and i downloaded the Japanese Pokemon game that just came out, Pokemon Platinum, though ive barely played it.

Having My DS be able to play mp3s has made me alot calmer, and helped time pass faster. Its full of music. Like, every cd made by : Pedro The Lion, Bright Eyes, Death Cab For Cutie, Broken Social Scene, Brand New, Neutral Milk Hotel, The Mountain Goats, and The Decemberists.

It really is fantastic.

~

Im tired. Life is complicated. ima sleep.
maybe ill write again soon.

Pedro the Lion
Second Best

The impact, The aftershave
The European cigarettes

The taxi, The alcohol
That lingers on your breath

The lipstick ,The street lamp
The woolen overcoat

The front desk, You tell yourself
It isn't over yet

Second best, oh, second best
I can learn to live with this
Plus, I really need a rest
After all, what's wrong with second best
What's wrong with second best

The motel, The distances
Cave into kisses, cold and wet

Familiar exchanges
Like needle pulling thread

The empty movements that once were so inspired
Desperate attempts to fan the flame without the fire

The mattress creaks beneath
The symphony of misery and cum
Still, we lie jerking back and forth
And blurring into one

Second best, oh, second best
I can learn to live with this
Plus, I really need a rest
After all, what's wrong with second best
What's wrong with second best?



~

its hard to know how to feel about the way things are going right now. Im happy in a way that i havent been in ages, but im also miserable in a way that you can only be when you want things you cant have. I want several impossible things, and none of them are even remotely similar to the things i SHOULD be thinking about. I have too many practical problems to have my head this far in the clouds.

that said, im kindof thankful for the distraction. Im not really sure what im doing in the not too distant future, as i talked about in my last entry, but instead of having to stress all the time, im thinking about shit that doesnt matter. Its nice.

I bought a shirt and ordered some more books today. I have to get a haircut and buy some new shoes, and after that, i cant spend any money on anything but food for as long as possible. I need to sortof horde my cash until im sure exactly what im doing.

~

My Nintendo DS is fucking amazing now that i have the CycloDS Evolution. I can play a fuckton of games, and ive been using it as an mp3 player all week. I could theoretically watch movies on it, but i have to convert them to a special file format to do that, and it takes forever... so i just havent yet.

But being able to have the music i like with me anywhere anytime is really nice.

~

i dont know exactly what to say.
im tired, but restless. i think ima take a walk.

Bright Eyes
Nothing Gets Crossed Out

Well the future's got me worried such awful thoughts
My head's a carousel of pictures, the spinning never stops
I just want someone to walk in front
And I'll follow the leader
Like when I fell under the weight of a schoolboy crush
Started carrying her books and doing lots of drugs
I almost forgot who I was
But came to my senses

Now I'm trying to be assertive, I'm making plans
Want to rise to the occasion, yeah meet all their demands
But all I do is just lay in bed
And hide under the covers

Yeah I know I should be brave
But I'm just too afraid of all this change

And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt
I keep making this to-do list but nothing gets crossed out
Working on the record seems pointless now
When the world ends who's gonna hear it?

But I'm trying to take some comfort in written words
Yeah Tim, I heard your album and it's better than good
When you get off tour I think we should
Hang and black out together

Cause I've been feeling sentimental for days gone by
All those summers singing, drinking, laughin', wasting our time
Remember all those songs and the way we smiled
In those basements made of music?

But now I've got to crawl to get anywhere at all
I'm not as strong as I thought

So when I'm lost in a crowd, I hope that you'll pick me out
I long to be found, the grass grew high, I laid down
Now I'll wait for a hand to lift me up, help me stand
I've been laying so long, don't wanna lay here no more
Don't wanna lay here no more, don't wanna lay here no more

Everything that happens is supposed to be
And it's all pre-determined, can't change your destiny
Guess I'll just keep moving, someday maybe
I'll get to where I'm going


The last few days have been ok i guess. Ive been moody. I dont really know how to talk about why, but its really not as complicated as im making it. I think i just WISH it was as complicated as im making it. I have made up this idea of things that are really only Illusory options because i dont really have any idea what other people are thinking or feeling or doing. There are things that no one will talk to me about.

In fact, most of my conversations have become one sided; either they are telling me how they feel and i dont know what to say, or im telling them how i feel, and the inverse is true. I think ive lost my basic communication skills by letting myself become more clouded in my own skew of the world.

I feel pretty insular and im all around just plain lonely. Ive realized in the last few days just how isolated ive kept my inside person. My frustration with my situation has lead to me having more of those emotional verbal-vomit spells where i say things i shouldnt, and because of that, it seems like people are seeing sides of me they usually dont.

Whenever you notice a person do something out of character, you arent really noticing that. Youre either observing a change in their character, or an expression of a side of them you were unaware of. at least, this is what i belive, right now.

~

when i as young i thought people nearly never change. Now i realize that people change in small ways all the time, its growth thats really the rare thing. Its so diffucult for someone to walk away from a situation a little wiser. Generally people only extract wisdom from something that hurts them; otherwise they assume whatever they are doing is working fine and theres no need to think about how to do better than what they need to do to get by.

Im not that person. Ive got a thirst to be better that was born from insecurities. Ive tried so hard to make my weaknesses my strengths. To take those weak spots in my character and make them into strongholds of humility. I dont know how well ive done. Maybe not that well.

~

The last few days havent been very complicated. Not really. Ive made them so. All ive really done is work, go home, and think. Wednesday, willow and i went to the mall, and she bought a DS. It was a really good day. Thursday i worked, then i watched the VP debates with Willow.I missed both Greys and TheOffice, and ive yet to watch them. Friday I worked, then Got my CycloDS, then that night, i checked on willows dog (since she was out of town for the weekend) and then i went home, sat and thought for a while, and decided to get very drunk. I spent most of today, Saturday, alone, and then in the afternoon, Olivia and i went to the Artists Market and the mall, and Quiznos so i could get some food.

Being at the artists market made me feel a little bad. There arent many people there, but alot of them are really good. I think maybe thats me, thats who im supposed to be. Maybe i want to just make lousy shit, and write, and do some time in the peace corps and just... idk. Be.

I care about people, but i feel so helpless that all i really feel comfortable doing is expressing that frustration. There was a time i really believed i could save the world. But now i really only want to figure out how to save myself.

And im not sure thats even so much what i want as what i feel like i have to do.

~

im not really sure whats going on, what direction im heading, or what my plan is. I do know that i need to know soon. I dont know if ive explained that, and i dont feel like looking back in my entries to see if i have, so im going to explain it again. Basically, in March, our lease is up. I need to know where im going to be living by then.

The wisest thing, and most selfish thing, that i could do, would be to start working at the hospital as security as soon as i could. I dont know if id like the job, or if its what i even want, but id probably be able to afford to live on my own if i did that, or at least split rent with someone. There are a few problems with that plan though. First, i dont have my own transportation, not a reliable kind at least. Second, id have to leave Quiznos, which isnt really something im willing to do right now, since i really like the job, and my boss Tina really needs the help.

The next choice, is that i could take the majority of my checks from now until then, and put them towards my student loans, in an effort to pay off my student loans as fast as possible, or put as big a dent in them as i can. If i do this, then perhaps in about 3-4 months, when the next semester of College starts, i could take out another loan and head back to school, living on campus in the dorms, etc. I dont really like this plan both because id be starting in the middle of a school year, and because i dont really know what i want to go back to school for. Not to mention that id like to be pickier about which school i choose than that.

I could always move back to Pulaski, and get a shitty job and stay with some friend or the other, but thats not really something im willing to do either; not if i can avoid it. I could live with my dad MAYBE, but probably not. I could always live with Willow and her Husband, shes made that pretty clear a few times, but i dont think i could handle that.

So honestly, i have no idea what im doing. I havent really been very responsible so far. Ive bought some things i needed, and a few things i wanted, but i havent saved a dime. I havent formed a plan.

I guess my basic plan will be to find housing. I think i might be shooting too big, and that i should just be looking for a short term solution. Its so hard for me to not always be working toward something bigger... i just dont know how to bide my time. I think i may have to learn.

~

I am very tired. Figuratively and Literally, in both the long and short of things.

Im not in the best place emotionally, but my sadness is certainly more dull than it used to be. Im not sure if ive dulled my zeal to dull my pain, but im certainly afraid thats what ive done. Im afraid ive weakened my will to weaken my want...


ive got to redirect myself. Ive got to focus, and think, and come up with a better plan than the one ive got, which is basically "figure out what i want". Thats like a to do list with making the list as the only thing on the list; it just wont do.

to be more honest, the real trouble is that i had a plan once, and that im now trying to decide what i want SECOND most. The real problem was that i didnt have a good backup plan. Who has a backup dream anyway? Can you fault me for not dreaming in Tandem?

Idk. Dreams are dreams because they arent practical, right? And the crux of this thing is that the world demands practicality of me, and practical isnt something i am very good at. I daydream and doodle and dance when no one is looking.

If soemone told me to paint a house, id paint a housfire, because thats me. Ive tried changing, and now i want to try learning to live with who i am.

But first i have to learn to live.