David Bass (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} kadeity) wrote,@ 2009-06-26 16:26:00 |
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The Will to Hourly
"A person in a uniform is merely an extension of another person's will"
- Philip Slater
I have two interviews next week. One at a book store, another at a call center. I really want a job, but like always, im nervous about starting something new. I just want to have a job i dont hate, that doesnt make me feel bad about myself, that i can actually enjoy.
I donated plasma the other day, but its not really fair to call it a donation, since they paid me $40. Ill probably go again tomorrow morning. I may have to drive up to see dad soon, because hes going to give me some money, but sending it with jackie isnt the most dependable option, since she never knows when or if shes going to do anything at all. Jason is probably going to pay for my 240$ ticket, which means i should be looking for insurance to be sure this wont happen again. All in all, i guess things are looking up. Or up in the air. I have no idea what the future holds.
~
I dont draw anymore. Ive been thinking alot about why that is. I guess im just growing up, but i dont know that i like that. Ive never wanted to grow up, and so im very annoyed to find that its happening anyway. Im even more annoyed with myself.
Im negative. Or maybe i just watch the world so closely that i notice its entropy, and then i use my human mind to put that in the box where we put everything that doesnt go according to plan. But thats not how people see it. They say im negative. And sometimes, honestly, i feel like i am. But what are my alternatives? Lies? Faith or Hope or Belief in idealized versions of things? Im not like that. I want to know the raw world. I want to know the truth. I dont like kid gloves, or sugar coatings, or things that are designed to make things more palpable. I WANT THE TRUTH. And the truth is entropy. The truth is that the world tends toward a semi-predictable disorder; a barely controlled chaos. The truth is that nearly nothing goes according to plan, and that if you want to maximize your chances of it actually GOING your way, you need to watch things, remember things, learn how things tend to go, and prepare for when things do what they usually do.
I think im a cynic, and the saying says that inside every cynic is a disappointed idealist. I dont understand why we are idealists at all? We all begin that way, but i dont know why. Is it some cycle where the adults selfishly preserve a childs innocence so that the adult can believe there is something pure in the world for a little while longer? I dont get it. Not on bit.
actually, just ignore all of that. im being too stupid today.
~
I im tired of writing how frustrated i am on here every day.
I really have to stop being so angsty.
"A person in a uniform is merely an extension of another person's will"
- Philip Slater
I have two interviews next week. One at a book store, another at a call center. I really want a job, but like always, im nervous about starting something new. I just want to have a job i dont hate, that doesnt make me feel bad about myself, that i can actually enjoy.
I donated plasma the other day, but its not really fair to call it a donation, since they paid me $40. Ill probably go again tomorrow morning. I may have to drive up to see dad soon, because hes going to give me some money, but sending it with jackie isnt the most dependable option, since she never knows when or if shes going to do anything at all. Jason is probably going to pay for my 240$ ticket, which means i should be looking for insurance to be sure this wont happen again. All in all, i guess things are looking up. Or up in the air. I have no idea what the future holds.
~
I dont draw anymore. Ive been thinking alot about why that is. I guess im just growing up, but i dont know that i like that. Ive never wanted to grow up, and so im very annoyed to find that its happening anyway. Im even more annoyed with myself.
Im negative. Or maybe i just watch the world so closely that i notice its entropy, and then i use my human mind to put that in the box where we put everything that doesnt go according to plan. But thats not how people see it. They say im negative. And sometimes, honestly, i feel like i am. But what are my alternatives? Lies? Faith or Hope or Belief in idealized versions of things? Im not like that. I want to know the raw world. I want to know the truth. I dont like kid gloves, or sugar coatings, or things that are designed to make things more palpable. I WANT THE TRUTH. And the truth is entropy. The truth is that the world tends toward a semi-predictable disorder; a barely controlled chaos. The truth is that nearly nothing goes according to plan, and that if you want to maximize your chances of it actually GOING your way, you need to watch things, remember things, learn how things tend to go, and prepare for when things do what they usually do.
I think im a cynic, and the saying says that inside every cynic is a disappointed idealist. I dont understand why we are idealists at all? We all begin that way, but i dont know why. Is it some cycle where the adults selfishly preserve a childs innocence so that the adult can believe there is something pure in the world for a little while longer? I dont get it. Not on bit.
actually, just ignore all of that. im being too stupid today.
~
I im tired of writing how frustrated i am on here every day.
I really have to stop being so angsty.
