The Ties that Bond; The Ties that Bind.












My mother married and moved away recently, but i guess i still moved away first. My father and i have had so much space between us my entire life, but hes lived in the same house as long as i can remember; it was never physical space. Its really sad too, because hes more like me than most anyone.

My mom is a feeler. Shes emotional, and her standard coping tactic is to wait it out. She knows shes stubborn, so she can outlast most any problem she has. Its like that scene in the Sci-fi channel DUNE miniseries, where Dr. Yeuh is walking through the desert, literally dying, but shouting at the wind "I am a Desert Creature!". Mom is like that. She knows she can wait it out, she knows that problems are temporary, and that she was born at step zero, so losing everything wont cost her a thing. She is a desert creature. Sortof.

My dad is a thinker. Really, hes an overthinker, but that doesnt mean that he doesnt have limits. He leans heavily on his faith, which is something my analytical mind tore to pieces a long time ago. Faith doesnt work for me, but im glad it does for him. Other than that though, my dad is a problem solver. He just rolls it around in his head until the pieces fit right, and i think i got alot of that from him. Im still learning about him. Ive known him for so many years, but i dont feel like ive known him at all.

Mom was sixteen when she got pregnant, and didnt have much help. Dad came around eventually, but for that first year, mom was alone, and it was a commitment she didnt have to make, but one she couldnt bear not to. I know the odds were against her, and im glad she tried anyway. She dropped out of highschool, and tried working, but moms never had a job very long. I think the longest was a little over a year or something, which is longer than ive ever had one.

Dad was twenty when mo had me, but they werent really together yet. He eventually got back with her, and they were married just long enough to have too many kids. Dad is a paradox to me. I dont really get how he works. Hes been alot of people since ive known him, and hes done alot of thinds. He was a machinist, and a mechanic, and a volunteer fireman, and alot of other things. Dad lost visitation when i was about sixteen, and i havent been obligated to see him since. He got sick some years back, and had to stop working and depend on the government and his wife to get by. I think that was hard for him to accept for a while, but what he really thinks about it is a mystery to me. A few years ago i decided i should try and get to know him better, and mend bridges, but i dont know how well ive done with that.

I think peoples parents effect them in a bigger way than just about anyone else. Its a blessing, to have those people to guide you early on, but its a curse to know that they are just people, and that sometimes they steered us wrong.

I wouldnt say im on my own, because im not very good at taking care of myself, but im trying to become my own person. A big part of that has been putting some space between my parents and myself. I thought i wanted that just so i could come into my own, but i think that my parents needed it too; theyve come into their own in a lot of ways too.

i dont have much in the way of ideas about what im going to do with myself. I think the hardest part of growing up has been accepting that not only am i a regular fucking person, but that that is always what ive been. I thought i was special, or destined for greatness, or that god had a plan for me, or something like that, but thats not the case. It was never the case. No one is special when everyone is special.

And thats ok. I shouldnt expect more than average from myself, but it is something i should work for. Ive always had trouble setting goals, but i think that im doing better than i was. I think i actually know a few things that i want.

Lilly is great. She and i get along better than i thought people could. (Or at least better than i thought i could with people.) Im trying hard to lash together some raft of a life for us, which is alot more appealing in my mind than just a life for just myself. I think the thing, the real thing, that makes this relationship so much better than any of the others i've had, isnt that we are so in love. I dont think its even how much we like each other, or how attracted we are to one another. Its that i know she respects me, and that i respect her. Its that we have an understanding that we have no intent to hurt one another. That's why i trust her. Thats our whole foundation, and i have to be sure to never fuck that up. (Not that i think i will, but you know me. Always cautious.)

I dont hate my life. I dont like it right now, because i got myself into a bind through poor planning and seeking short term gratification, but i dont hate it. Ive got a tempered self image. Its not that my self esteem doesnt diminish, because it does, and its not that i dont have bouts of egotism, because that happens too. Its that i bend now, I dont break. That makes all the difference in the world. It might be the whole difference between an adult and a child, but ive no idea. I just know i like that i can adapt now. Maybe its not permanent, but i sure as hell like thinking it is.

I think i know where ive come from, and where im going, so all thats left is figuring out how exactly i plan to get there, and what ill do once i am.