David Bass (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} kadeity) wrote,@ 2008-07-05 01:14:00 |
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| Entry tags: | introspection |
catch 22 means logical fallacy, but no one read the book.
its like 1:16 am on the fifth of july.
a few hours ago i sat outside of my apartment and watched the fireworks.
theirs a stadium a few miles from my house, and there was a fireworks show there.
it was really strange how the fireworks lit up the sky,
the flashes and bursts of light and color in smoke and could,
and really eerie how much the fireworks sounded like the missile tests they do at the base.
~
i dont feel comfortable talking about myself anymore.
like my feelings or my thoughts...
i dont know,
ive just become so aware that im negative,
and that that negativity, that honesty about how i feel,
has perpetuated the lonliness that generates that negativity,
by driving people away.
maybe its possible to reverse it.
maybe if i just dont talk about these things,
maybe if i ignore how i feel, and keep quiet,
and try and just... hold it together...
then things can move the other direction.
i almost feel like im done caring if im a bad person or not.
its like, i just want to be me now.
im so tired of trying to fix things,
so weary of searching for some more perfect standard,
that i just dont care anymore.
i destroyed so much of who i was trying to be someone better,
and i lost sight of alot of the base things that gave me any merit to begin with.
maybe if i stop trying so hard,
then i can just rest, and be me.
and its not just internal things,
this tired feeling just permeates my whole being.
i ve stopped wanting to be some great thing.
im defeated in such a fundamental way, but not really broken.
i just dont want the same things anymore.
ive lost my lust for knowledge.
ive lost my need for truth.
i just want to get by.
i just want to be able to be myself,
and be content with how things are.
i want to be realistic, and know what i can change,
and what i dont have the power to do anything about...
im trying to accept that i will never be a perfect person.
~
i really have no idea if anyone understands the things i say.
sometimes i think that i say something,
and the other person thinks they know what i mean,
but really its just the words they understood;
the words i used have meanings,
but they arent the thing i meant.
not really.
i just cant help but feel like that
if anyone ever knew what i was saying,
then there is just no way
that things would still be
idk, the way they are.
i think its the words.
i think i just cant speak clearly anymore.
