http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?kadeity

seriously, there are maybe 4-6 things on this list that dont describe me.


Adult ADD Symptom Test

If you experience more than 10 points on this adult ADD self symptom test, Attention Deficit Disorder is likely present.

* An internal sense of anxiety
* Impulsive spending habits
* Frequent distractions during sex
* Frequently misplace the car keys, your purse or wallet or other day-to-day items
* Lack of attention to detail
* Family history of ADD, learning problems, mood disorders or substance abuse problems
* Trouble following the proper channels or chain of commands
* An attitude of "read the directions when all else fails"
* Frequent traffic violations
* Impulsive job changes
* Trouble maintaining an organized work and/or home environment
* Chronically late or always in a hurry
* Frequently overwhelmed by tasks of daily living
* Poor financial management and frequent late bills
* Procrastination
* Spending excessive time at work due to inefficiencies
* Inconsistent work performance
* Sense of underachievement
* Frequent mood swings
* Trouble sustaining friendships or intimate relationships
* A need to seek high stimulation activities
* Tendency toward exaggerated outbursts
* Transposing numbers, letters, words
* Tendency toward being argumentative
* Addictive personality toward food, alcohol, drugs, work and/or gambling
* Tendency to worry needlessly and endlessly
* "Thin-skinned" - having quick or exaggerated responses to real or imagined slights

A good friend of Lilly's passed away earlier this week, and it pretty much shaped the rest of our week. Shes been really down for several days, and its been a strange experience for me. I knew the man, but i wasnt close to him. When jasons grandmother passed away, i experienced something similar to this, that same outside looking in, wishing you could help, but knowing you cant sort of feeling. Whats worse is that both times, listening to someone else talk about their loss, and grieving, has pulled me back into thinking about my sister, and forced me to deal with feelings i dont really want to come to terms with. That sort of inward pull makes me feel so selfish too, because it makes it harder to be there for other people when helping them cope with their tragedy would force me to deal with my own. I know my cut isnt as fresh, but its deep, and buried, and im not good at this at all.

I miss my mother, and father. I keep seeing how other people interact with their own families, and it makes me really wish i had more of a relationship with my own. I know one person cant fix a relationship alone, but i could surely reshape it some, right? I dont really know how long it will be before i can actually live nearer my family, though. I forget, often, that Lilly is nineteen (nearly twenty, but still) and that she hasnt had the same sort of Space between she and family that i have. It really brings things into focus, when i remind myself of that, and it makes it easier to understand why im moving there instead of her moving here. I wish sometimes that she would move here, but i know that that isnt something she is ready for.

I think im an adult now, since all i ever see to think about anymore is how little money i have, and how if i had more, id be able to "catch up". Ive got all sorts of things that need a little bit of money to be attended to, and ive gotten too proud to just ask people for it. I know help is there if id look, but i just cant stand it anymore.

I need Glasses, Pants, Fixing my Laptop, Car insurance, Getting the cat fixed, getting a car towed, and honestly i really need some dental work done. I dont think any of these will be getting attended to very soon -__-

Ive been thinking about getting a second job, but i havent decided. I thought that maybe i should work on the days im at lilly's but i dont know if that extra money is worth losing that time with her, and working seven days a week.

Tomorrow is halloween. I work most of the morning, and then i be driving to see lilly and brenden. Were going trick or treating, but i dont have a costume. I guess i should have thought of that, but i didnt really. Im too old for it anyway.

I dont really know what else to write right now, so thats all, i guess.

i never update this thing anymore, and that sucks. Im hoping ill be able to be more in the habit soon, maybe while brenden is napping during the day. I dont know.

So, not alot has changed really, except i keep breaking things. I ripped a pair of my work pants, which sucks because ive worn out two other pairs. Ive got to get alot of new pants. My shoes are falling apart. My glasses are broken AGAIN, and after some MORE superglue, just barely staying together. (Ive been trying to get new ones for HOW long now?) I broke the other hinge on the laptop too, so now i have to sit something behind the screen to even use the thing. I mean, all this, and i still dont have car insurance.

Jason gave me money for glasses a few months ago, i just never made the appointment, and then things came up and i spent the money. THAT IS MY FAULT. I was irresponsible and stupid, and now im suffering for it, which is a pattern in my life, really. I try hard to be responsible, and plan ahead, but honestly... i suck at it. Being me is a lot like being a parent, except that im both the voice of reason and the overgrown infant, and im getting really fed up with myself. I have to try harder to just NOT GIVE AT ALL, because I always compromise myself through compromise.

For the next two weeks, i have 240$, except that 50$ comes out of my account at the end of the month, so i have like $190 for the next two weeks. I may get a second job, where lilly lives, if i can find somewhere that only needs me three days a week. -__- Im not making nearly enough with just the one job and the shitty hours.

I dont have much in the way of a plan, really. Im trying to figure some stuff out, until then, idk. I really have to find a way to be more calm about it all, i think thats the most important thing really. anyway, ill try and write again soon.


p.s. i swear im not as unhappy as this post sounds. Honest!

I think anyone who believes that the mind cannot control the heart just doesnt have a strong enough mind yet; you are the only thing in this world you CAN control, so if you cant control yourself, what do you have? If you cant control yourself, you either dont want to, havent had a reason to, or arent aware that you actually can. So im telling you, you can.

I think the things i have tried, and continue to try and cultivate in myself are Willpower, and Reason. Lately though, ive made some poor choices, and been impulsive. It bothers me, a lot. My ability to retain full restraint of myself waxes with my stamina, and near the beginning and end of the day ive been a little shorter than i like, and in general, im not trying hard enough to remain in control.

I think, in large part, its due to several things. I havent adjusted to alot of the newer stressors in my life yet, and i know im about to enter into a stage of transition. Im not sure if i will ever be comfort with the amount of yielding required to have an intimate relationship with another person, but its a lot easier to give some of my freedom to a person i love than it is to yield to the people who keep tugging at me for control of various aspects of my life.

I tire of people using other people. Shameless, Obvious Manipulation and exploitation of the emotions and relationships other people direct at you is one of the most disgusting things a person can do to another. It violates something primal, something so fundamental to me that i loathe anything similar to that behavior. That said, i know my reaction is not the appropriate one. People are people, and we are near all fundamentally selfish. Manipulation is no different than persuasion, except for the subtlety and deception. Its a way to coax out cooperation, and so it serves its purpose, its just when its one person using another person in a parasitic way, i become upset. Quickly.

I think people lie because they feel like they have to, or failing that, want to because it gives them a thing they need. Maybe that thing is intellectual superiority, or maybe its just a way to milk out affection. Whatever the reason, i dont see how people can stand it. Lying to get what you need, or having a relationship based on lies, isnt real. Its artificial, a simulated love, and it cant sustain you long term. I mean you cant put a lemon in piss and call it lemonade; thats just not how it works. A person doesnt love you, they love the illusion. They dont know you, they know the lie, and ultimately, youre still alone.

I just keep bumping into people, out and about in the world, and wondering how in the hell people could have missed the point so completely, for so long. Its not about good, or bad, or right and wrong, its about REALITY. Its about keeping in touch with the real world, that we actually live in. Its about Clear communication, and integrity. Its about being truly Aware so that you can avoid danger and exploit opportunity.

And why do people keep underestimating me? I dont see what about me makes everyone think i am gullible, but apparently thats the impression they get, because i just keep getting bombarded with people trying to pass this absurd shit off as legitimate, or trying to actually trick me into doing something. I think about motives. A Lot. There is a reason its called a con, and when ive lost all confidence in anything you say, ever, then its time to pack up. I mean, trust is an economy, and once youve been blacklisted for trading, its game over. I dont even know what else to say, my horrible abuse of metaphor has to have made the point by now.

None of the people im talking about are likely to read this shit anyway.

Right, so its been a little too long since my last proper update, so maybe i should Attend to that.

This last week has been pretty fantastic. Lilly and i spent Monday afternoon in bed, watching the Office from the Beginning, and it was great. Teusday, we got up early and went to Tennessee, to see my family. Lilly and Brenden met My Father, Stepmom, and Sisters. It was good to see them, i miss them alot. My youngest sister was quiet most of the time but cried when i left, and i felt really bad about it. I talked to dad about life in general, and Lilly and i talked about alot of things on the way back. Wednesday, we went shopping for Brenden's first birthday, which is this coming Monday. We got alot of good stuff, clothes, toys, a new stroller, crib bumpers And had a lot of fun.

And then i came back to Huntsville. Ive decided pretty solidly on moving, im just not sure when. I talked to my boss again today and told her that sometime in the next few months, that ill be giving her two weeks notice. She didnt like it, but still offered to see if i could transfer to the BAM in florence, or maybe muscle shoals.

Ive got a few things i have to take care of before i move. I have two cars, one i got from Cat that kindof works, but not exactly that well, and the Car i drive. The other one has been sitting for a bit, so i have to get it working again, at least to move it, maybe to use. I need to figure out what im going to do with My Bicycle, A large Bookshelf, The Books that are on it, and the Things i have in Storage in TN. I also have a spare Bed, and no frame for the Queensize i have, so i dont know if i should take it or not. I need to get my cat fixed, if shes coming with me, and i need to be sure i get a job before i move. Its alot to manage between now and then.

Im excited. I have mixed feelings about moving, and im completely aware of how hard living with someone can be, but its a risk i am going to have to take. I love Lilly, and i love Brenden, and i have to try as hard as i can. I cant be selfish forever. Its not even just that; it makes more sense to work full time there than it does to work part time and commute.

The plan has always been to stay with Jason until i could do something else, and i dont see any reason for the plan to change. Honestly, i need this. I need to feel like ive made an actual effort to get out there in the world, without certainty, and fight risk. I just hope that if lilly and i end up not being ready for this that we can either find a way to be ready, or be smart enough to know how to gracefully take a step back. I dont think that it wont, but ive got enough experience being me to know i leap headfirst into things, certain i can craft a parachute on the way down.

Lilly and i are just far enough into our relationship to start taking things for granted, but not far enough in that we are out of stories to tell one another. We know each others character, but i wouldnt say we dont surprise one another. Im not sure if we will ever stop surprising one another; at least thats what i hope.

I am getting so tired of people thinking i dont know what i am doing. I know i cant change things this much without hurting someone. I know that its going to be hard for people to adjust to me being there. I know that brenden is not actually my son or my responsibility, but i also know that nothing in this life is a responsibility you havent chosen. I have enough foresight, and hindsight, to be completely aware that this could rash and burn and i could be looking at this entry a few years from now wondering how i was so naive, but i also know i could look back at this time, this moment, and see it as a defining point, the point at which i held fate in my hands, and chose my own. Im not smothering dreams here, im building them.

Please dont mistake me for a child, chasing balloons and rainbows and light; I analyze motives, probable outcomes, and i make Decisions, because like it or not, im a Man now, and if i have to accept it, so do you.

A liar is a craftsman. He starts small, with a stitch in reality, just a small tweak on the truth. One stitch becomes a dozen, and hes redone a whole flank; made it into something else entirely. Lying becomes manipulation, and soon hes making the bedsheets into pants and the curtains into a coat. The clothes fit loose, and lacking the measuring tape reality offers, he sets about stitching himself a suit up around himself, just be sure the fit is right.

Then, one day, he sets about the task of making a better stitch, one that wont come undone so well when tested, and crosses a line he cant uncross; lying to yourself. Im not talking about optimism, or a pep-talk, im talking about convincing yourself something is when it is not, and forgetting you ever convinced yourself of it in the first place.

Now you dont know what clothes youve made, and which ones youve bought, because youre positive you made them all. You can even forget you make anything at all, and hide the sewing machine behind a smile. Youve become a craftsman of Worlds, and you have no idea what youve woven and what you havent.

But no stitch holds forever, and every weave wears. Eventually something unravels, and someone sees your counterfeit craftsman ship for what it is. You have to face reality, however briefly. Some Liars dodge it, and try and stitch it up fast, but it doesnt matter if youre fixing the old garb or tailoring something new, eventually they tire of it. You lose your credibility, and have to make a choice.

Hang up your needle and thread, or make a better stitch instead?

This is a liars truest punishment. If ever you DO try and turn back, you will always fear you have a tailors heart. When you look at the wardrobe that is your life, you wont be able to help but wonder if something in there is still of your old shoddy stitch. Or worse, if youre still stitching, but better, now, at forgetting.

Save image, Open in paint, Select a color and the Paint Bucket (fill tool) and fill in the boxes. Save image, upload to photobucket or some other image site, and post link here.

Basically, you are rating yourself in each area on a scale of 1-10, by the guidelines in the image.

I dont know if you know this about me, but moving quickly, or changing direction frequently, makes me super Nauseous. From merry go rounds to theme park rides, it all makes me sick. The worst thing, though, is the second before it starts. Sitting there, waiting on the roller coaster to move, for the ground beneath you to lurch forward, is probably the worst part, and no matter how sick i get, the anticipation is always worse.

So i dont really know what to do. I hate leaving Lillys house every week, and missing her and Brenden for three days. I hate driving two hours and seventy miles one way, twice a week. I hate only having part time hours, and needing more money. And i want my relationship with Lilly to be as serious as it feels. That said, anything i can do about it, is terrifying. I mean its Exciting, but still scary to think about.

The ultimate goal is for Lilly and i to live together, but i dont really know exactly how its going to happen. We've discussed moving into a house together, one someone we know owns, and we wouldn't have to pay anything but power and water. We would also not be close enough to her mom for her to watch Brenden, so only one of us would be able to work, and probably factory work because of where it is. That is one option, and the Hardest one for both of us, but the space is probably the best thing for brenden.

Another option is for me to move to where she is staying now. We haven't talked to everyone involved, so i dont really know how that would go over, but i suspect that id need to pay some rent, probably less money than at the house. Id need to get a new job, but Lilly wouldn't. We might do this before we do the first option, just so we get used to living together and sharing responsibility. This would be the easiest thing for her, and a a little difficult for me. So thats a more likely option, and its reasonably safe, but brenden really needs more room.

The last option is one we've talked about on and off for a long time, but for a lot of reasons, probably wont fly. She and Brenden could move here, with Jason and I. Mostly that wouldn't work because Lilly doesn't WANT that, and isn't comfortable with it, but there's also her having a dog, and that she doesn't want to have to smoke outside. (apartment rules) Moreover, either she or i would have to not work, so someone could take care of Brenden. The space here would be good for him too, though there isnt as much as with the first option. This would be the easiest thing for me, and the hardest thing for her, and its really the option i think Jason prefers.

Im cautious to move for alot of reasons, mostly that i dont want to lose the relationship i have with Jason, and that honestly, i am scared to fail. Im scared of the responsibility. That doesnt mean i dont want it, or that im not ready for it, it just means its scary. Anything i havent done before is scary, honestly. Im not sure if i would take My cat, Pixie, with me if i moved or not. I know Jason and i dont always get along, but no one living together does. I dont think he wants to live alone, and like i said, i dont like the idea of losing the friendship he and i have. I trust and respect him as much as i ever have anyone.

So like i said, i dont really know what to do. A lot of people have had this "wtf" reaction when i mentioned it, because lilly and i BRIEFLY broke up two weeks ago, but really, i dont think people understand that thats not really what happened. What really happened was that lilly and i didnt really talk alot about something before i freaked out and got all emotional, and talked about it to the internet, and friends. She and i really just needed it to get to that point so we could talk about alot of things, and get back to a better place. Everything is fine now, and honestly its like it never happened, except that things are just better.

I mentioned moving, maybe after christmas, at work today, and my boss was like "NO, YOU ARENT." She made it clear that im needed there, and that if i left, it would hurt the store, and make her look bad, since she is General Manager. Books a Million isnt doing well, and i know that even though we are doing the best in the district, that we are barely holding on. She DOES NOT want me to leave. She even told me that Lilly should move here, to Huntsville, and that shed refer her to the other BAM if she wanted. Of course, that wouldnt work, since someone needs to watch Brenden, but still. It could if she worked my off days, i guess. Idk. The point is that, yet again, im being made to feel like a business could fail if i leave, and that sucks.

I dont know. I feel pulled in several directions, not just my what other people want, but by what i want. Im not sure what the right choice is here, and i dont see one where everybody wins. No matter what everyone else needs, I just hate spending time away from Brenden and Lilly. I hate feeling like im living two lives, when im not two people. I dont know, i need to think about this alot. Im thinking that tomorrow ill go see dad. He dealt with something similar early in my life, so maybe talking to him will give me some insight into what i should do.

On top of this, ive got so much going on. I need new glasses, but im afraid to spend the money. I also need two teeth pulled, and car insurance, both things ive been putting off for ages. Work keeps cutting people, because our budget is cut, so im expected to do alot more. Im trying to re-evaluate how i spend money, and for the last week, ive only bought food and gas. Im hoping i can make more money appear. I really should get a second job, or something. Ugh.

So i dont know. Maybe i can figure something out. Maybe i should just stop trying to fix things and leave everything alone. I know that moving forward requires moving, and that making things stronger requires Work. I just want to be sure im moving in the right way at the right time. Maybe now is the right time, and maybe its not, i dont know yet.

http://www.commondreams.org/view/2009/06/22-0

and

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuclear_program_of_Iran

Peoples beliefs almost always justify where they are in their life, or the things they are doing. If they dont, then they more often amend their beliefs than their behaviors. We, ultimately, want what we want, and our beliefs mostly just facilitate that.

I think most of us pattern our lives around the environment in which we first experienced love. We want to be the men or women who loved us first and strongest as a child, and if we didn't have that parental figure, we will spend the rest of our lives collecting them.

For me, i want to be the man i thought my dad was, before i knew he was just a man. Or maybe i want to be the man ive cobbled together from all the best bits of everyone i admire. I cant be sure.

I know, for the people who come from solid homes, that they want the love that their parents had for one another, but what about the rest of us? How do we figure out what a love should be? You cant trust the media, and the love our parents had, that love of a broken home, isnt always the best model. Its taken me alot of trial and error to determine what i want from another person, but im not sure ill ever know what its fair to expect. I suspect my mind has been too tainted by the idealized affection of film and fiction for me to trust it.

What is funniest, to me, is that im through and through, a cynic. To me there is no mystery in the world, just things we dont yet understand. Everything defaults to Zeros, and i dont let any one instance be evidence enough for anything. So its strange, i think, that the only magic left in my world is love.

I feel like i could love a lake into a cloud with the will of my want. I dont let go easily,and i dont stop loving willfully. In fact im not really sure i stop loving, so much as i just kill the selfishness in my love so that i can let them go. Im not the best person, and im not that great at being in a relationship, but i love hard. I really do.

And im loving harder now than i ever have. Lilly is someone i can respect, and being with her is the first time ive ever felt like the person i was with had respect for me. She listens to the things i say, and thinks about them. She talks to me like a person, not a pet. I dont know, i dont want to sound like a lovestruck lunatic, so i wont elaborate too much, but this thing im doing now, its not a game. Im not dating, im fighting for something. Im not trying, im absolutely throwing myself at it.

I honestly feel like ive done nothing but move forward, farther and farther from my boyhood, my parents, my sisters and my innocence. I suppose that is probably how age should feel, but i had hoped i would feel more connected to my roots than i do. I almost feel divorced from my childhood, and it seems that no amount of indulgence can bring me closer to it. I miss the greatness of my imagination, the depth of my faith and trust in others, and my willingness to believe that the world still held magic for me. Im older, and wiser, but i cant help but feel like ive lost something. I am willing to content myself with nothingness than i ever have been.

I dont feel special and i dont feel like i should. It was a hard thing to do, but ive let go of that thirst for importance that haunts so many people. I dont need the ego stroke, and i dont derive my self value solely from how the world sees me, and my place in it. Ive done so much work internally (albiet some of it misdirected) that its hard for me to care much about THE WORLD outside. The things i want to accomplish externally now are almost exclusively to make live easier for the people i care about.

I used to want to be an artist, a writer, a politician, a psychiatrist, a preacher, or a ton of other things, and when i thought about it, long and hard, the only thing that all these things have in common is ATTENTION. I think that's really it. I think my desire to create things, or help people, ultimately, comes back to a desire to be loved. That doesn't mean that i have only ever made art to be loved, or that ive only ever helped another person to be helped, though i think thats how it started. Eventually, i discovered how to create for myself, how to love for the sake of love, and how to be compassionate. Im not as compassionate as i should be, and i know it; I only empathize to a point, but i try hard to push it farther than that. My kill switch, i think, is how hard a person is trying to be better, and how aware they are that they need to be, which ultimately comes back to my own bias.

I derive almost all of my self worth from the idea, and possible illusion, that i am bettering myself all the time, so it makes sense i guess that that is the same metric i use to discern worth in others.

I think, though, that the new goal has become being compassionate especially to those who dont meet my metrics. What good is love if you only love the people who are easy to love? What use is empathy if you only care about those who are well enough to care about others? What use is a will to better the world if youre only willing to fix the things that meet you half way? I cant be like this anymore. Its not fair, and its just a lazy love.

and i dont want a lazy love.

"A man is what he thinks about all day long"
-Ralph Waldo Emerson


My mind is dominated by the scientific process, applied to social situations, focused on generating accurate educated guesses, and further refining the process that generates them. Basically, i am an analytical monster, and even if what i THINK will happen is wrong, i believe i can learn something from that, and try and guess better next time.

That is my basic process, but sometimes my head gets all cloudy, and muddled up in anxiety. Im just too emotional, really, and i can let that get the better of me, far too often. Even worse, my emotions can send my analytical cycle into a sortof cynical recursive loop that reinforces my insecurities, and causes what is essentially a temporary emotional crash. I cry, and talk, until i can climb my way out of that mess.

Im never sure if i actually have a right to be offended by something someone else does, and more often than not, regret ever having said anything at all.

i wonder about the things ive learned, and where they have led me. Its hard for me to see a connection between who i am now, and the boy i was once. It really seems like all we have in common is the baggage; i dont see anything the way i did then. Not anymore.

I have this preventative skepticism i guess, that can only come from having lost your innocence to some degree. But i think its also important to recognize that innocence and wisdom cant share a room, and that what ive gained is worth what ive lost.

this life is something else really. Things with lilly are wonderful and complicated. work is stressful and intense. i miss my family, so much. I miss brenden almost all the time lately. My friendships are few and far between, and with the exception of a couple people, im starting to feel like relationships are a game to everyone but me. Its like were playing chess with people as the pieces, and im the only one unarmored and unarmed, like i thought it was casual friday in the warzone.

Alot of my relationships, from my side of things, are literal puzzles. I feel like i constantly have to deduce what everyone is NOT saying so i can better serve their unspoken needs or expectations. Ive taken to the habit of trying to solve problems ENTIRELY from my side of things, since i feel its best to expect nothing and ask for slightly more than that. I know better, but its still what im doing, and its nearly impossible.

I feel like life starts as this gradual process of slowly waking up, and ends with you dozing off again. That makes it really hard for me to not see this all a dream, and sometimes i even wonder about that. Each day starts and ends with lost time, so i wonder sometimes what really happens while im out, and even more i wonder if im falling asleep or waking up. Would Immortality be the same sort of hell that Insomnia is? Its a fun thing to think about. Anyway, to the meat of the thing.

work is getting harder and harder, and they are leaning on me more and more. Last week, the pressure was really up, because the truck came in a day late, and we had inventory on sunday, so i had basically 16 hours to get it sorted and on the floor. That twenty hours less than i usually have, and i was nearly positive it wasnt going to happen, but i pushed myself, HARD, and actually got it done by saturday night. I came home exhausted, with ever muscle in my body sore, and my knee swollen from all the lifting id been doing on it. I had had bout nine hours of sleep since i came back from Lillys and after all the work id done, i was spent. That is the state i was in when lilly and i talked about breaking up.

So anyway, that night i got maybe four hours of sleep, and went into work for inventory, which was a pain, and took forever. I spent most of the day trying not to cry, and the rest of it crying, all while doing work. I love lilly, and the last thing i wanted was for it to be over. They made me stay a little later than i was supposed to, and eventually i made it home. When i got here, Lilly and i talked online, and then i drove out to her house, and we worked things out, which is probably the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.

Dont get me wrong; i would never want to break up with her, but i think that the possibility of it brought out parts of each of us that we didnt know were in ourselves, or the other person, and i think we both appreciate our relationship more. We are alot closer than we thought we were, and we knew we were close.

Anyway, i was there for a few days, like usual, and then i had to come back. I never want to come back, but it was worse this time. I drug myself out of bed and into my car, and drove back here to work on the truck at work, again, which brings me to my point.

The thing keeps getting bigger and bigger, and i keep having less and less help putting it out. Sorting it isnt so bad, until i run out of carts to put the books on... but the actual shelving is a pain. When i started at BAM, we had four people besides me putting out shipment, not counting the other two specialists. Now, we have one person besides, me, and thats a cashier. They can only do one cart, which means, like today, i have about SEVEN CARTS to do on my own. FRUSTRATING. VERY. Ive got to finish all that tomorrow, i got 2 done today, so i dont think ill get it all done.

Anyway i guess thats all for now. Sorry for the anticlimactic ending.

i love this picture so much.

Last week was a nightmare, but i got more work done in less time than i ever have. I worked myself until i was tireder than i have been in ages. My knee was in alot of pain, and swelled a bit, mostly from doing so much lifting on it. I have like no fat left on my legs now though, i must have burned it all over the last few weeks.

i dont give my cat enough attention. Shes always sad and whiney now, and idk i feel pretty bad about it.

im way behind on greys anatomy, house, fringe, and Dexter. About a season or half a season on each, and im pretty sure i dont have time to catch up. I also need to watch that there TrueBlood finalie thats sitting on my HDD. BigBangTheory and House both start back next monday! chea!

Also, this show "Community" is fucking fantastic. It has the host of the Soup as the main character, a disbarred lawyer who has to go back to community college to get his degree back. It also has chevy chase O.o

the weather says its going to rain for the next three days, which blows. Hard. I friggin love the rain, but i HATE HATE HATE driving in it, because im basically blind.

I want a PSP emulator for my computer, but ive got no idea where to find one, since my main torrenting site is down for who knows how long -___-

Scribblenauts is the best DS game ive played. Seriously, shit is amazing. Play it.

I bought the first volume of TheWalkingDead, and they are about 10$ each used if you buy them from amazon, so maybe ill buy them all slowly. I got it because, well i really like the series, but i got it more because Lilly said shed make an effort to get into comics since i like them so much, and i think it would be easier for her to start on something NOT superhero-genre just to get used to reading Trades.

eh i guess i need to go to sleep.

i think things with lilly and i are ok now. I ts hard to pin down exactly why she thought she wanted to break up with me, and its mostly too personal for me to elaborate on, but i think i understand the basics. Most of it is just the frustration that builds up over time whenever a relationship has communication problems, and just about any relationship that I am in will have them.

Im emotional, and sensitive, so oftentimes people dont tell me what they think or feel because they are afraid ill overreact. That is my fault, because sometimes i do. I really do believe we teach people how to treat us; that the submissive get walked on, and that the angry get lied to, and that the calm and fair get the truth, and trust.

I want to be someone people can trust, and depend on, and that means controlling myself. Stabilizing my moods, and my life. Its a process, and honestly, im always terrified in EVERY relationship that i wont meet the expectations of the other person, because i so seldom do.

I feel like i have always been a disappointment, not only because i dont deliver, but because people arent realistic in what they expect of me. Maybe the person i project just isnt close enough to the person i am, i dont know.

I think i am somewhat intelligent, and that i am more capable of cultivating wisdom than most people, but that due to a lack of willpower and ambition, that most of it is squandered and that i often simply do what i want rather than what i know i should, generally because i want short term gratification. I understand exactly how a relationship should work, and what i should and should not do, but i have a codependent bent and i have serious anxiety issues that sometimes just take the wheel for a while; and an apology isnt always enough. I think im pretty self aware, but that same belief is tempered with a healthy awareness of how OFTEN i have ben wrong, or discovered some new flaw hiding in the blind spots of my mind. Self Improvement is probably my most significant coping mechanism, though sometimes i question how far ive come, really, in the scope of things. Im trying, hard, but honestly, whenever im in a relationship, i feel like my to-do-list of internal quirks to correct gets an overhaul, and suddenly im fixing things in the order of "what-bothers-them-most" instead of "what-do-i-need-most" or "what-can-i-actually-fix-right-now". I hate the idea of trying to be a better person for someone else rather than just for myself, but at least with Lilly, most of the things that bother her are just Big things ive been too afraid to tackle until now, and are all definitely things i need most.

I dont think its unhealthy to want to be a better father and husband, though im not completely either of those things yet, really. It is a goal. Its the shoes i take off and put on, but am too afraid to lace up and wear yet... but eventually i have to be ready. Eventually i have to stop being afraid. Its hard to know where the balance between not rushing into things and not waiting too long is, but its a balance i have to find.

Lilly and i will probably be ok, because like it or not, we are in love. We care alot about each other, and how we feel about one another. Even if we are afraid to admit we are permanent, the feelings are deep enough now that actually trying to seperate would be harder than it could possibly be to stay together. Honestly though, Shes going through alot right now, and i think the reasons she made the choice she made are just as legitimate as the reasons she decided she wanted to be with me anyway. We are ok, and in alot of ways better than before, but we have alot to work on.

Still, i couldn't be more thankful that things worked out how they did.

Lilly broke up with me an hour or so ago.


I dont really know how long shes been thinking about it, and i dont really understand why for sure she decided this on her own, but if it wasnt something she thought she could talk to me about, that means it was ME.

She said that she didnt think we were going anywhere long term, and so i thought initially that it was because i didnt move in when she asked me to, but i guess now i dont think that.I offered to move in, or do whatever i needed to do to fix things, but she didnt say anything really, so i guess its too late. Really, it has to be me. I love her, and i think she would have talked to me about this before she decided it if she thought she could.


Im crushed, but im not falling apart yet. I probably wont be until tomorrow, because honestly, im too tired to believe that this really happened. I think she made a mistake, and i hope she realizes it soon. I could beg, or try and convince her, or be pathetic like i want to be, but i know better. Shes stubborn, and shes smart, and if this is what she wants, its what she wants.

Brenden is probably the hardest part. Ive spent all this time getting attached to him, and missing him, and now thats over. I felt like i was a father, and now i cant be anymore. That feels so fucking unfair. I wish i could do something about it, but i cant. Nothing. Its just taken away.

Shes told me so many times she couldnt see herself ever leaving me, and how great she thinks i am, and how im the best guy shes ever been with, but thats not enough. I dont know.

I dont mean to make a huge crybaby post, im just really hurt and confused, and i dont understand at all. Last weekend everything was great, and now...

I dont know.

i dont know what to do with myself. Shes usually the only thing that makes the hard things okay. I really hope she decides she has made a mistake, and tries to talk to me about our problems so we can work them out, but i have no idea if that could really happen. I hope so, but this might really be over.

The Worst part is im not even mad. I wish i was, that would make it easier, but im not. Its hard to hold back my negativity sometimes, and its hard to think much of myself. A part of me is saying "of course she broke up with you. why did you think she wouldnt?"

part of me doesnt want to know why she left, but instead wants to know why i ever believe anyone when they say something i want to hear in the first place.

The Mountain Goats
Autoclave

Lend me your hand. Let me look in your eyes
as my last chance to feel human
begins to vaporize.
Maybe it's the heat in here. Maybe it's the pressure
You ought to head for the exits,
the sooner the better.

I am this great unstable
mass of blood and foam,
and no one in her right mind
would make my home her home.
My heart's an autoclave.
My heart's an autoclave.

When I try to open up to you, I get completely lost.
Houses swallowed by the earth, windows thick with frost.
And I reach deep down within, but the pathways twist and turn.
And there's no light anywhere, and nothing left to burn.

And I am this great unstable
mass of blood and foam.
And no emotion that's worth having
can call my heart its home.
My heart's an autoclave.
My heart's an autoclave.

I dreamt that I was perched atop a throne of human skulls
on a cliff above the ocean. Howling wind and shrieking seagulls.
And the dream went on forever, one single static frame.
Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.

And I am this great unstable
mass of blood and foam.
And no one in her right mind
would make her home my home.
My heart's an autoclave.
My heart's an autoclave.