I know i a not a good person. Im not sure anyone is. All the people you think are good people are one of two kinds of bad people; people who are good liars, both to themselves and others, and people persistently trying hard to become something they are not and can never be, because the thing they desire to become based on an abstract metric; a carrot on a stick.

im not sure how i got to this point in my life. Im not sure how much of how i am is my fault, and how much is just my environment. Parenting and Money have alot to do with how a person ends up, sure, but when you become an adult and youre exposed to the world, you sortof need to stop blaming the world for everything, and just try and make the best of the few oppertunities life throws your way.

I think i make choices with my gut. Like i worry over it, i think over it, i reason it out, weigh the pros and cons, and then just ignore all that and do what i want. Which is retarded. Its also probably why i am where i am, psychologically, emotionally, and interpersonally.

Im not sure how much internalizing i really do. I used to think of myself as an introvert who talks too much, but its starting to look like i just talk too much. I dont think ive ever met a person who could get less out of more thinking than i do. I keep mulling over things for months, and then after ll that time, i still feel the same way.

I have to accept that my relationship with my parents isnt likely to ever be much better or worse than it is now. I have to accept that i cant keep depending on other people, for anything, and that i need to use the time i have where other people are helping me to try and get to a place where i dont need help.


i guess im just in a bad mood because my self image was tugged back towards reality.

Whenever i dont update for a while it always seems like i spend my whole post talking about how i dont update, so im not gonna do that.

Today was lilly's twentieth birthday. I got her a book and a necklace, but i really wish i could have gotten her more. We had planned to take Brenden to her mom, and go out to eat, but her mom went to Tennessee, and didnt come back in time to babysit. It was ok though, we took brenden with us, and he wasnt bad at all. Its been raining all day, and he was really tired, so i was worried he would fuss alot, but he saved that for after we got home. Her mom got her a new camera, and shes in love with it, so im really glad she got something she liked. I was feeling like she didnt really enjoy her birthday up to that point.

Ive gotten all my references together for job hunting. Im gonna use Tina, my old manager from Quizno's, and Andrea, my manager at Books-a-Million. I think i may use Justin, who i worked with at Quizno's too. Ive been thinking about how hard i work, and how well i get along with coworkers, and i feel like, i mean, what the hell am i doing where i am in life? I could be doing so much better. Im too smart and hardworking for this, and i really hope i get an opportunity to do something better soon.

Im not sure that i am actually going to get to move in with lilly, but i have maybe 5 weeks until i need to know yay or nay. Well, less really, since i need a job long before then. Hopefully we can sort that out soon, and we have alot of other things we need to figure out too.
I did some Christmas shopping, but not enough. I feel like crap because i know im not gonna have enough money to get much more than i have now, and i dont have SHIT now.

I guess i feel like i should be able to do more IN GENERAL right now.
I suppose its an Inadequacy thing.

the holidays are all about pressure for me. I feel like there are all these things i have to do, and all these social situations i have to navigate and all these expectations and all this inevitable disappointment, and i just hate it all so much. Dont get me wrong, i love the people in my life, and i value all of my relationships, but im bad at them. I honestly feel like it is only other people's capacity for forgiveness and overlooking my shortcomings that ever makes any sort of relationship with me possible. On a good day i think that its that way for everyone. On most days i know its just that way for me.

i guess thats the thing that disturbs me most lately. I can never tell if something is actually wrong with someone else, or if its just my anxious, analytical paranoia looking for a problem to solve. And more often than not, i seem to cause them by looking for em. Ive really gotta stop that.

But anyway, life is plodding right along, and in spite of my best efforts, i guess im doing fine. So yeah. Go me!

Years ago i got a forward from my sister, a few days before she died. She will have been dead five years, tomorrow. I dont believe in God. I dont believe in heaven. I know she is gone, but i still love her and miss her, and about this time every year i feel like shit because shes gone.

but anyway. Im reposting the message she sent me a few days before she died. So here goes.


"Bubba, hey,i know you said you do not read forwards but i really hope you take the time to read the atachment i sent...i promise i am not trying to make a habit of sending you forwards.it is not humoruos or anything but it could be very touching if you think about it for a second after reading it...i know when you finish reading it you will probally think that it is something that is very odd for me to take to heart the way i am some times but the attitude we put off for cover and the real person we are is two absolutly different things.any way miss ya.... love always, Jesse

THE CAB RIDE
Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away. But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked. "Just a minute", answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware. "Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness. "It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated". "Oh, you're such a good boy", she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?" "It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly. "Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice". I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. "I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long." I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to take?" I asked. For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now." We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. "How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse. "Nothing," I said. You have to make a living," she answered. "There are other passengers," I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly. "You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank you." I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one. PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, ~BUT ~ THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. Every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God. And may your every day be blessed."

At the risk of sounding full of it, im posting this anyway. I know i ramble on, and dont finish a thought or clearly segway, but i want you to have a glimpse of how i think and feel when i do both at the same time. This is kind of how i believe, even if i cant say it clearly, or put it into practice constantly. I still try.

i dont believe in deserving things, or justice. i dont think any amount of harm inflicted on someone can somehow make the harm already inflicted any better. i think that any comfort derived from knowing that the villain in your life has met "justice" is derived from spite, and isnt any sort of closure at all. The only closure that stays closed is forgiveness.

the thing about deserving things, or not deserving them, is that there isnt any real objective point from which to decide these things. Were all just slinging around this sense of entitlement that comes from silly ideas like justice, or desire.

Just because you want to be treated better does not mean you deserve to be. Poeple dont deserve things. You cant decide that another person should be doing something a certain way. That is his life, his journey and his choices, and if the choices he is making are hurting you, that doesnt give you the right to hurt him back. It doesnt mean that now you gain he right to do something. There is no emotional currency. You arent owed anything.

Your disappointment in others, your low self esteem, your frustration with the world, these are all a product of your expectations, not of there actually being something wrong. You set the standards that the world falls shot of. Change your heart, and your mind. Recognize that your power to choose is the power to shape the world.

We all make our own choices. Give and take isnt really the approach you should strive for; give give and give is. I think its possible that we SHOULD allow ourselves to be exploited. I think it is possible that turning the other cheek literally means to go the extra mile beyond what is asked of you. It isnt just giving what is asked, and taking what youre owed.

Its about only ever taking what you need, and taking that regretfully. Its about giving everything you can spare. Loving those who love you is hard. Loving those who Hurt you is harder. Loving those who hate you is hardest, but if you cant do that, then you cant really love.

I am saying that we should stop emotionally bartering. Feelings are not money. You shouldnt give to get because thats not giving, its trading. You shouldnt love to be loved, because thats not loving, its trading. You shouldnt help to be helped, because that isnt helping, its trading.

It is possible that there are only a handful of people who are truly compassionate, who are truly generous, and who truly practice charity, and that everyone else is just pantomiming.

I am tired of living in a cloud of counterfeit feelings, and you should be too.

the way we think about everything is wrong.

Most people just regurgitate the opinions of others, mouth-feeding the same pre-chewed opinion downward through this pyramid of hearsay. the fact is, none of us are scientists, or specialists, or experts in any field, and even if we were, our work would be built on those who came before us. Basically, i am saying that no one knows what they are talking about. Which is fine, so long as everyone knows it.

Its the people with such complete confidence in their borrowed opinions that piss me off. People who think they have a real splinter of the truth tend to wield it like a sword. I guess im just tired of that. Im not saying ive never done it; im saying i never should have.

i got a haircut, and so did lilly. I guess well take pictures at some point.

i have to work weds-sat the week of thanksgiving, and that means that ill miss my mom being in town, lillys family's thanksgiving, and that ill have to work customer service on black friday. FFFFFFFFFF

Jasons been sick all week, so last week's dnd game was cancelled. It sucked too, i was pretty excited.

A place called Hit-Video is going out of business, and they are selling all their comics for 50cents each. I picked up the original SENTRY miniseries, ECHO, LAST SHOT and most of the original Ultimates run, and barely spent 10$.

Phantasy Star Zero came out on DS last week, and ive been playing it through. Its alot of fun. Hard though, and i have no one else to play with.

Lately, Im watching this french anime thinger called Wakfu, and thinking about an Oriental adventures game that i want to run.

I lost my wallet last night, but luckily i retraced my steps and got it back this morning. Scary, though.

Lilly's Bithday is coming up, and so is Christmas. Also, the lease is up in Febuary, and im hoping to be moved in there by mid-January.

This entry is boring. Im gonna go play vidyagaemz.

i dont know exactly when it started, but i guess i have to admit that i am depressed again. Id been doing so well, for so long, so its a hard thing to admit that ive slipped back into this.

i feel like i am destroying my relationship. I think that its probably no true, but its how i feel. being sad a lot, or tired a lot, or not wanting to do anything but read things online and disconnect from myself, is hard on her.

a while back, she had let frustration with her life and me, and things we werent talking about, build to a boil. for about twenty four hours, she thought she didnt want to be with me anymore, and it scared me shitless. ultimately, she wanted to be with me, and so shes been trying hard to talk to me more about anything that is bothering her. All in all, i thought that the whole thing had been good for us, but i guess ive realized it wasnt. It had the unexpected effect of making it harder for ME to talk to HER, because im so scared that somewhere in there, shes still weighing the pros and cons of our relationship, and i dont want to tilt the scale.

the thing about me, and my thoughts or fears, or feelings and opinions, is that i know im completely capable of making some shit up. i can turn a shadow into a demon, in my head. all it has to do is roll around in there for a while, and it accumulates all this intangible evidence. i guess thats how anxiety works, and that is hard on another person too. Knowing its hard on her, that my paranoid worry is hard to deal with, puts it into a sort of recursive loop where my worry spirals out of control, making everything worse.

and i need someone to talk to sometimes. the problem with talking is that my fear and worry causes me to use words like argue when i mean talked and didnt agree, or say hit when i meant touch with force in a way that startled me, and then the person im talking to gets the wrong idea, or someone else calls me a liar. What i really need is to either remove some of the emotion from my speech and word choice, or find someone who can filter through my bullshit, Neither of which are likely, meaning ill just have to keep it to myself i guess.

I dont know. As much as i can maximize a minimal problem in my mind, i can minimize what is actually a large issue. So i think i dont mind something, but im still feeling all the pressure of it taxing me. And i dont know what is actually happening, most of the time.

This is why i used to go to therapy. Its why i write here. Its why i spend so much time thinking. My mind is chaos, and illusion, and it takes a lot to strap the shit in order. Its like if books could fly, and you were trying to run a library. It just doesnt work, i dont know.

So half the opinions i have, or things i think or say, are just conjecture, or ephemeral bias that vanishes when tested. I just need someone to talk to, something to bounce it off of. I need a bubble catcher, and i dont really feel like i have it anymore. Not like when i was in therapy anyway.

Theres just this air about my life lately. Its so hard to tell what caused it or where it is coming from, and i could blame it on damn near anything and it seem like a good fit. I just... i dont know what the fuck to do.

I feel like every thing becomes EVERYTHING. I feel like i am inadequate, and a suboptimal choice for most anything i could be chosen for. Im just, i dont know. Im supposed to be moving in with lilly soon, so this is probably the ABSOLUTE WORST TIME for me to be slipping my head back up my ass. I dont need to be all introspective and unhappy right now. I dont need it ever again. Why the hell am i doing this.

i dont let myself want things so ill never be disappointed, and whenever i do accidentally want something, im scared to go for it, and when i do accidentally GET something i want, i spend all of my time being TERRIFIED TO LOSE IT. All to avoid rejection, lonliness, and disappointment, both in myself and others. Even the things i do, like try and better myself, are done to avoid these things. And this is where it always ends up. Me. Being afraid of everything.

and im so fucking TIRED of being afraid, but i just dont know any other way to be.

God.

fuck endings, im done writing.

http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?kadeity

seriously, there are maybe 4-6 things on this list that dont describe me.


Adult ADD Symptom Test

If you experience more than 10 points on this adult ADD self symptom test, Attention Deficit Disorder is likely present.

* An internal sense of anxiety
* Impulsive spending habits
* Frequent distractions during sex
* Frequently misplace the car keys, your purse or wallet or other day-to-day items
* Lack of attention to detail
* Family history of ADD, learning problems, mood disorders or substance abuse problems
* Trouble following the proper channels or chain of commands
* An attitude of "read the directions when all else fails"
* Frequent traffic violations
* Impulsive job changes
* Trouble maintaining an organized work and/or home environment
* Chronically late or always in a hurry
* Frequently overwhelmed by tasks of daily living
* Poor financial management and frequent late bills
* Procrastination
* Spending excessive time at work due to inefficiencies
* Inconsistent work performance
* Sense of underachievement
* Frequent mood swings
* Trouble sustaining friendships or intimate relationships
* A need to seek high stimulation activities
* Tendency toward exaggerated outbursts
* Transposing numbers, letters, words
* Tendency toward being argumentative
* Addictive personality toward food, alcohol, drugs, work and/or gambling
* Tendency to worry needlessly and endlessly
* "Thin-skinned" - having quick or exaggerated responses to real or imagined slights

A good friend of Lilly's passed away earlier this week, and it pretty much shaped the rest of our week. Shes been really down for several days, and its been a strange experience for me. I knew the man, but i wasnt close to him. When jasons grandmother passed away, i experienced something similar to this, that same outside looking in, wishing you could help, but knowing you cant sort of feeling. Whats worse is that both times, listening to someone else talk about their loss, and grieving, has pulled me back into thinking about my sister, and forced me to deal with feelings i dont really want to come to terms with. That sort of inward pull makes me feel so selfish too, because it makes it harder to be there for other people when helping them cope with their tragedy would force me to deal with my own. I know my cut isnt as fresh, but its deep, and buried, and im not good at this at all.

I miss my mother, and father. I keep seeing how other people interact with their own families, and it makes me really wish i had more of a relationship with my own. I know one person cant fix a relationship alone, but i could surely reshape it some, right? I dont really know how long it will be before i can actually live nearer my family, though. I forget, often, that Lilly is nineteen (nearly twenty, but still) and that she hasnt had the same sort of Space between she and family that i have. It really brings things into focus, when i remind myself of that, and it makes it easier to understand why im moving there instead of her moving here. I wish sometimes that she would move here, but i know that that isnt something she is ready for.

I think im an adult now, since all i ever see to think about anymore is how little money i have, and how if i had more, id be able to "catch up". Ive got all sorts of things that need a little bit of money to be attended to, and ive gotten too proud to just ask people for it. I know help is there if id look, but i just cant stand it anymore.

I need Glasses, Pants, Fixing my Laptop, Car insurance, Getting the cat fixed, getting a car towed, and honestly i really need some dental work done. I dont think any of these will be getting attended to very soon -__-

Ive been thinking about getting a second job, but i havent decided. I thought that maybe i should work on the days im at lilly's but i dont know if that extra money is worth losing that time with her, and working seven days a week.

Tomorrow is halloween. I work most of the morning, and then i be driving to see lilly and brenden. Were going trick or treating, but i dont have a costume. I guess i should have thought of that, but i didnt really. Im too old for it anyway.

I dont really know what else to write right now, so thats all, i guess.

i never update this thing anymore, and that sucks. Im hoping ill be able to be more in the habit soon, maybe while brenden is napping during the day. I dont know.

So, not alot has changed really, except i keep breaking things. I ripped a pair of my work pants, which sucks because ive worn out two other pairs. Ive got to get alot of new pants. My shoes are falling apart. My glasses are broken AGAIN, and after some MORE superglue, just barely staying together. (Ive been trying to get new ones for HOW long now?) I broke the other hinge on the laptop too, so now i have to sit something behind the screen to even use the thing. I mean, all this, and i still dont have car insurance.

Jason gave me money for glasses a few months ago, i just never made the appointment, and then things came up and i spent the money. THAT IS MY FAULT. I was irresponsible and stupid, and now im suffering for it, which is a pattern in my life, really. I try hard to be responsible, and plan ahead, but honestly... i suck at it. Being me is a lot like being a parent, except that im both the voice of reason and the overgrown infant, and im getting really fed up with myself. I have to try harder to just NOT GIVE AT ALL, because I always compromise myself through compromise.

For the next two weeks, i have 240$, except that 50$ comes out of my account at the end of the month, so i have like $190 for the next two weeks. I may get a second job, where lilly lives, if i can find somewhere that only needs me three days a week. -__- Im not making nearly enough with just the one job and the shitty hours.

I dont have much in the way of a plan, really. Im trying to figure some stuff out, until then, idk. I really have to find a way to be more calm about it all, i think thats the most important thing really. anyway, ill try and write again soon.


p.s. i swear im not as unhappy as this post sounds. Honest!

I think anyone who believes that the mind cannot control the heart just doesnt have a strong enough mind yet; you are the only thing in this world you CAN control, so if you cant control yourself, what do you have? If you cant control yourself, you either dont want to, havent had a reason to, or arent aware that you actually can. So im telling you, you can.

I think the things i have tried, and continue to try and cultivate in myself are Willpower, and Reason. Lately though, ive made some poor choices, and been impulsive. It bothers me, a lot. My ability to retain full restraint of myself waxes with my stamina, and near the beginning and end of the day ive been a little shorter than i like, and in general, im not trying hard enough to remain in control.

I think, in large part, its due to several things. I havent adjusted to alot of the newer stressors in my life yet, and i know im about to enter into a stage of transition. Im not sure if i will ever be comfort with the amount of yielding required to have an intimate relationship with another person, but its a lot easier to give some of my freedom to a person i love than it is to yield to the people who keep tugging at me for control of various aspects of my life.

I tire of people using other people. Shameless, Obvious Manipulation and exploitation of the emotions and relationships other people direct at you is one of the most disgusting things a person can do to another. It violates something primal, something so fundamental to me that i loathe anything similar to that behavior. That said, i know my reaction is not the appropriate one. People are people, and we are near all fundamentally selfish. Manipulation is no different than persuasion, except for the subtlety and deception. Its a way to coax out cooperation, and so it serves its purpose, its just when its one person using another person in a parasitic way, i become upset. Quickly.

I think people lie because they feel like they have to, or failing that, want to because it gives them a thing they need. Maybe that thing is intellectual superiority, or maybe its just a way to milk out affection. Whatever the reason, i dont see how people can stand it. Lying to get what you need, or having a relationship based on lies, isnt real. Its artificial, a simulated love, and it cant sustain you long term. I mean you cant put a lemon in piss and call it lemonade; thats just not how it works. A person doesnt love you, they love the illusion. They dont know you, they know the lie, and ultimately, youre still alone.

I just keep bumping into people, out and about in the world, and wondering how in the hell people could have missed the point so completely, for so long. Its not about good, or bad, or right and wrong, its about REALITY. Its about keeping in touch with the real world, that we actually live in. Its about Clear communication, and integrity. Its about being truly Aware so that you can avoid danger and exploit opportunity.

And why do people keep underestimating me? I dont see what about me makes everyone think i am gullible, but apparently thats the impression they get, because i just keep getting bombarded with people trying to pass this absurd shit off as legitimate, or trying to actually trick me into doing something. I think about motives. A Lot. There is a reason its called a con, and when ive lost all confidence in anything you say, ever, then its time to pack up. I mean, trust is an economy, and once youve been blacklisted for trading, its game over. I dont even know what else to say, my horrible abuse of metaphor has to have made the point by now.

None of the people im talking about are likely to read this shit anyway.

Right, so its been a little too long since my last proper update, so maybe i should Attend to that.

This last week has been pretty fantastic. Lilly and i spent Monday afternoon in bed, watching the Office from the Beginning, and it was great. Teusday, we got up early and went to Tennessee, to see my family. Lilly and Brenden met My Father, Stepmom, and Sisters. It was good to see them, i miss them alot. My youngest sister was quiet most of the time but cried when i left, and i felt really bad about it. I talked to dad about life in general, and Lilly and i talked about alot of things on the way back. Wednesday, we went shopping for Brenden's first birthday, which is this coming Monday. We got alot of good stuff, clothes, toys, a new stroller, crib bumpers And had a lot of fun.

And then i came back to Huntsville. Ive decided pretty solidly on moving, im just not sure when. I talked to my boss again today and told her that sometime in the next few months, that ill be giving her two weeks notice. She didnt like it, but still offered to see if i could transfer to the BAM in florence, or maybe muscle shoals.

Ive got a few things i have to take care of before i move. I have two cars, one i got from Cat that kindof works, but not exactly that well, and the Car i drive. The other one has been sitting for a bit, so i have to get it working again, at least to move it, maybe to use. I need to figure out what im going to do with My Bicycle, A large Bookshelf, The Books that are on it, and the Things i have in Storage in TN. I also have a spare Bed, and no frame for the Queensize i have, so i dont know if i should take it or not. I need to get my cat fixed, if shes coming with me, and i need to be sure i get a job before i move. Its alot to manage between now and then.

Im excited. I have mixed feelings about moving, and im completely aware of how hard living with someone can be, but its a risk i am going to have to take. I love Lilly, and i love Brenden, and i have to try as hard as i can. I cant be selfish forever. Its not even just that; it makes more sense to work full time there than it does to work part time and commute.

The plan has always been to stay with Jason until i could do something else, and i dont see any reason for the plan to change. Honestly, i need this. I need to feel like ive made an actual effort to get out there in the world, without certainty, and fight risk. I just hope that if lilly and i end up not being ready for this that we can either find a way to be ready, or be smart enough to know how to gracefully take a step back. I dont think that it wont, but ive got enough experience being me to know i leap headfirst into things, certain i can craft a parachute on the way down.

Lilly and i are just far enough into our relationship to start taking things for granted, but not far enough in that we are out of stories to tell one another. We know each others character, but i wouldnt say we dont surprise one another. Im not sure if we will ever stop surprising one another; at least thats what i hope.

I am getting so tired of people thinking i dont know what i am doing. I know i cant change things this much without hurting someone. I know that its going to be hard for people to adjust to me being there. I know that brenden is not actually my son or my responsibility, but i also know that nothing in this life is a responsibility you havent chosen. I have enough foresight, and hindsight, to be completely aware that this could rash and burn and i could be looking at this entry a few years from now wondering how i was so naive, but i also know i could look back at this time, this moment, and see it as a defining point, the point at which i held fate in my hands, and chose my own. Im not smothering dreams here, im building them.

Please dont mistake me for a child, chasing balloons and rainbows and light; I analyze motives, probable outcomes, and i make Decisions, because like it or not, im a Man now, and if i have to accept it, so do you.

A liar is a craftsman. He starts small, with a stitch in reality, just a small tweak on the truth. One stitch becomes a dozen, and hes redone a whole flank; made it into something else entirely. Lying becomes manipulation, and soon hes making the bedsheets into pants and the curtains into a coat. The clothes fit loose, and lacking the measuring tape reality offers, he sets about stitching himself a suit up around himself, just be sure the fit is right.

Then, one day, he sets about the task of making a better stitch, one that wont come undone so well when tested, and crosses a line he cant uncross; lying to yourself. Im not talking about optimism, or a pep-talk, im talking about convincing yourself something is when it is not, and forgetting you ever convinced yourself of it in the first place.

Now you dont know what clothes youve made, and which ones youve bought, because youre positive you made them all. You can even forget you make anything at all, and hide the sewing machine behind a smile. Youve become a craftsman of Worlds, and you have no idea what youve woven and what you havent.

But no stitch holds forever, and every weave wears. Eventually something unravels, and someone sees your counterfeit craftsman ship for what it is. You have to face reality, however briefly. Some Liars dodge it, and try and stitch it up fast, but it doesnt matter if youre fixing the old garb or tailoring something new, eventually they tire of it. You lose your credibility, and have to make a choice.

Hang up your needle and thread, or make a better stitch instead?

This is a liars truest punishment. If ever you DO try and turn back, you will always fear you have a tailors heart. When you look at the wardrobe that is your life, you wont be able to help but wonder if something in there is still of your old shoddy stitch. Or worse, if youre still stitching, but better, now, at forgetting.

Save image, Open in paint, Select a color and the Paint Bucket (fill tool) and fill in the boxes. Save image, upload to photobucket or some other image site, and post link here.

Basically, you are rating yourself in each area on a scale of 1-10, by the guidelines in the image.

I dont know if you know this about me, but moving quickly, or changing direction frequently, makes me super Nauseous. From merry go rounds to theme park rides, it all makes me sick. The worst thing, though, is the second before it starts. Sitting there, waiting on the roller coaster to move, for the ground beneath you to lurch forward, is probably the worst part, and no matter how sick i get, the anticipation is always worse.

So i dont really know what to do. I hate leaving Lillys house every week, and missing her and Brenden for three days. I hate driving two hours and seventy miles one way, twice a week. I hate only having part time hours, and needing more money. And i want my relationship with Lilly to be as serious as it feels. That said, anything i can do about it, is terrifying. I mean its Exciting, but still scary to think about.

The ultimate goal is for Lilly and i to live together, but i dont really know exactly how its going to happen. We've discussed moving into a house together, one someone we know owns, and we wouldn't have to pay anything but power and water. We would also not be close enough to her mom for her to watch Brenden, so only one of us would be able to work, and probably factory work because of where it is. That is one option, and the Hardest one for both of us, but the space is probably the best thing for brenden.

Another option is for me to move to where she is staying now. We haven't talked to everyone involved, so i dont really know how that would go over, but i suspect that id need to pay some rent, probably less money than at the house. Id need to get a new job, but Lilly wouldn't. We might do this before we do the first option, just so we get used to living together and sharing responsibility. This would be the easiest thing for her, and a a little difficult for me. So thats a more likely option, and its reasonably safe, but brenden really needs more room.

The last option is one we've talked about on and off for a long time, but for a lot of reasons, probably wont fly. She and Brenden could move here, with Jason and I. Mostly that wouldn't work because Lilly doesn't WANT that, and isn't comfortable with it, but there's also her having a dog, and that she doesn't want to have to smoke outside. (apartment rules) Moreover, either she or i would have to not work, so someone could take care of Brenden. The space here would be good for him too, though there isnt as much as with the first option. This would be the easiest thing for me, and the hardest thing for her, and its really the option i think Jason prefers.

Im cautious to move for alot of reasons, mostly that i dont want to lose the relationship i have with Jason, and that honestly, i am scared to fail. Im scared of the responsibility. That doesnt mean i dont want it, or that im not ready for it, it just means its scary. Anything i havent done before is scary, honestly. Im not sure if i would take My cat, Pixie, with me if i moved or not. I know Jason and i dont always get along, but no one living together does. I dont think he wants to live alone, and like i said, i dont like the idea of losing the friendship he and i have. I trust and respect him as much as i ever have anyone.

So like i said, i dont really know what to do. A lot of people have had this "wtf" reaction when i mentioned it, because lilly and i BRIEFLY broke up two weeks ago, but really, i dont think people understand that thats not really what happened. What really happened was that lilly and i didnt really talk alot about something before i freaked out and got all emotional, and talked about it to the internet, and friends. She and i really just needed it to get to that point so we could talk about alot of things, and get back to a better place. Everything is fine now, and honestly its like it never happened, except that things are just better.

I mentioned moving, maybe after christmas, at work today, and my boss was like "NO, YOU ARENT." She made it clear that im needed there, and that if i left, it would hurt the store, and make her look bad, since she is General Manager. Books a Million isnt doing well, and i know that even though we are doing the best in the district, that we are barely holding on. She DOES NOT want me to leave. She even told me that Lilly should move here, to Huntsville, and that shed refer her to the other BAM if she wanted. Of course, that wouldnt work, since someone needs to watch Brenden, but still. It could if she worked my off days, i guess. Idk. The point is that, yet again, im being made to feel like a business could fail if i leave, and that sucks.

I dont know. I feel pulled in several directions, not just my what other people want, but by what i want. Im not sure what the right choice is here, and i dont see one where everybody wins. No matter what everyone else needs, I just hate spending time away from Brenden and Lilly. I hate feeling like im living two lives, when im not two people. I dont know, i need to think about this alot. Im thinking that tomorrow ill go see dad. He dealt with something similar early in my life, so maybe talking to him will give me some insight into what i should do.

On top of this, ive got so much going on. I need new glasses, but im afraid to spend the money. I also need two teeth pulled, and car insurance, both things ive been putting off for ages. Work keeps cutting people, because our budget is cut, so im expected to do alot more. Im trying to re-evaluate how i spend money, and for the last week, ive only bought food and gas. Im hoping i can make more money appear. I really should get a second job, or something. Ugh.

So i dont know. Maybe i can figure something out. Maybe i should just stop trying to fix things and leave everything alone. I know that moving forward requires moving, and that making things stronger requires Work. I just want to be sure im moving in the right way at the right time. Maybe now is the right time, and maybe its not, i dont know yet.

http://www.commondreams.org/view/2009/06/22-0

and

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuclear_program_of_Iran

Peoples beliefs almost always justify where they are in their life, or the things they are doing. If they dont, then they more often amend their beliefs than their behaviors. We, ultimately, want what we want, and our beliefs mostly just facilitate that.

I think most of us pattern our lives around the environment in which we first experienced love. We want to be the men or women who loved us first and strongest as a child, and if we didn't have that parental figure, we will spend the rest of our lives collecting them.

For me, i want to be the man i thought my dad was, before i knew he was just a man. Or maybe i want to be the man ive cobbled together from all the best bits of everyone i admire. I cant be sure.

I know, for the people who come from solid homes, that they want the love that their parents had for one another, but what about the rest of us? How do we figure out what a love should be? You cant trust the media, and the love our parents had, that love of a broken home, isnt always the best model. Its taken me alot of trial and error to determine what i want from another person, but im not sure ill ever know what its fair to expect. I suspect my mind has been too tainted by the idealized affection of film and fiction for me to trust it.

What is funniest, to me, is that im through and through, a cynic. To me there is no mystery in the world, just things we dont yet understand. Everything defaults to Zeros, and i dont let any one instance be evidence enough for anything. So its strange, i think, that the only magic left in my world is love.

I feel like i could love a lake into a cloud with the will of my want. I dont let go easily,and i dont stop loving willfully. In fact im not really sure i stop loving, so much as i just kill the selfishness in my love so that i can let them go. Im not the best person, and im not that great at being in a relationship, but i love hard. I really do.

And im loving harder now than i ever have. Lilly is someone i can respect, and being with her is the first time ive ever felt like the person i was with had respect for me. She listens to the things i say, and thinks about them. She talks to me like a person, not a pet. I dont know, i dont want to sound like a lovestruck lunatic, so i wont elaborate too much, but this thing im doing now, its not a game. Im not dating, im fighting for something. Im not trying, im absolutely throwing myself at it.

I honestly feel like ive done nothing but move forward, farther and farther from my boyhood, my parents, my sisters and my innocence. I suppose that is probably how age should feel, but i had hoped i would feel more connected to my roots than i do. I almost feel divorced from my childhood, and it seems that no amount of indulgence can bring me closer to it. I miss the greatness of my imagination, the depth of my faith and trust in others, and my willingness to believe that the world still held magic for me. Im older, and wiser, but i cant help but feel like ive lost something. I am willing to content myself with nothingness than i ever have been.

I dont feel special and i dont feel like i should. It was a hard thing to do, but ive let go of that thirst for importance that haunts so many people. I dont need the ego stroke, and i dont derive my self value solely from how the world sees me, and my place in it. Ive done so much work internally (albiet some of it misdirected) that its hard for me to care much about THE WORLD outside. The things i want to accomplish externally now are almost exclusively to make live easier for the people i care about.

I used to want to be an artist, a writer, a politician, a psychiatrist, a preacher, or a ton of other things, and when i thought about it, long and hard, the only thing that all these things have in common is ATTENTION. I think that's really it. I think my desire to create things, or help people, ultimately, comes back to a desire to be loved. That doesn't mean that i have only ever made art to be loved, or that ive only ever helped another person to be helped, though i think thats how it started. Eventually, i discovered how to create for myself, how to love for the sake of love, and how to be compassionate. Im not as compassionate as i should be, and i know it; I only empathize to a point, but i try hard to push it farther than that. My kill switch, i think, is how hard a person is trying to be better, and how aware they are that they need to be, which ultimately comes back to my own bias.

I derive almost all of my self worth from the idea, and possible illusion, that i am bettering myself all the time, so it makes sense i guess that that is the same metric i use to discern worth in others.

I think, though, that the new goal has become being compassionate especially to those who dont meet my metrics. What good is love if you only love the people who are easy to love? What use is empathy if you only care about those who are well enough to care about others? What use is a will to better the world if youre only willing to fix the things that meet you half way? I cant be like this anymore. Its not fair, and its just a lazy love.

and i dont want a lazy love.