Company of Thieves
Pressure

I'm angry all the time
No one's fault but mine
Tell me how you fashion kind
When you're out of style

And I try hard to answer
All the questions that you've posed
Tell me now how should I care
When I feel so alone
And so unloved

The pressure is rising
I mean it, it's binding
I've been compromising for you

When you come home really late at night
Ripe to pick a fight
I know just the kind you'd like
So come on and bite

And I try hard to answer
All the punches that you throw
Tell me now how should I fair
When I feel so unloved and so alone

The pressure is rising
I mean it, it's binding
I've been compromising for you

The pressure is rising
I've been compromising for you
I'm waiting at the bus stop in the morning
And it's pouring

Oh, I am waiting at the bust stop for you
Staring at walls with closed doors
The key that won't work
Sure helps the time pass by
Saying i'm wrong when i'm wrong
Knowing it's the right thing
Sure helps the thoughts in my mind

The pressure is rising
I mean it, it's binding
I've been compromising for you
You, you

I am waiting at the bus stop
In the morning
And it's boring

I am waiting at the bus stop for you

i have to be at work in a half hour or so, so ill either not finish this post, or make it short.


Lilly read back through alot of my old livejournal entries, which is both good and bad i guess. Im glad shes interested enough in me to care, but at the same time, i know whats in there, and its not a side of me i want everyone to see, you know? >.< But still, shes always so understanding, so i dont think shell find much that bothers her.

Reading over some of them, i realized that the way i remember some things isnt the same as how i recorded them as they were happening. Ive noticed this before, but it never ceases to disturb me when i discover that my memory drifts, and it only further justifies my "i dont trust anyone completely, even me" attitude.

So ive got the money order for the ticket that has to be paid by monday, and i need to mail it this afternoon... but ive got no stamps. When i get off work at one, im going to try and find stamps and an envelope, and i guess also a post office or something.

The job is going fine, for the most part. They are a little disorganized and dont always have things ready for me to do the things i need to do when i need to do them, but i guess thats ok. Im still doing training courses but i should finish those very soon.

I was at the gas station yesterday, trying to put gas into my car, and i paid with my checkcard. I only had like 6$ in the bank, and i said "i want three on pump ten" and she instead charged me for ten on pump three, AND SWIPED MY CARD BEFORE I COULD DO ANYTHING. I told her about her mistake, and she changed it, and said i wasn't charged yet, and that if i was it would just put the money back in my account. I explained that it would have given me an overdraft fee if the money lft the account at all, and that if it had, id have to come back to this gas station to talk to someone about getting my money back. I swear, if this fucked me over, im gonna be furious.

Debt collectors for Martin called me the other day, and told me theyd be taking legal action against me if i didnt do something about my debt. So now, they will be taking 50$ out of my account at the end of every month. Please dont let me forget that and end up boned.

Anyway, ive got not long until work. So ima go.

i just dont think i get people anymore; or maybe i never did.

Student Loans: $7,000 (im just ignoring it right now, which isnt helping)
Misc College Fee: $600 (going to come out of my bank account $50 at the end of every month)
Ticket1: $250 (i think this one is covered)
Ticket2: $? (probably at least $300)
Car Insurance: $? (i need 6 months of liability)
Glasses: $? (i havent had a new pair or eye exam in 5 years)

Im fucked man. Im making minimum wage, and i have no idea how thats gonna ever get anything done.

There is a cutting clarity i feel sometimes, like when its cold enough that breathing in hurts, or when you're so afraid that your adrenaline sharpens everything into a level of reality you're usually numb to. That's what I've been thinking about lately. That all that detail, all that reality... its always there. Were just to distracted to know it.

I daydream. i do it a lot. Its something that i think is probably just a result of my being so prone to over thinking. Its like, i can become so immersed in thought that i lose track of reality completely. I get lost in my own head and that lack of clarity, that distraction, it costs me. Often. I like to think I'm observant, but I'm not when i let myself become my own distraction. Which is too often lately.

I think a lot about the way i think. I want to believe its a refinement process; that by detecting unfavorable behaviors, and replacing them with more favorable ones, that i make myself a better person. The problem with that though, I'm learning, is that whats favorable and unfavorable changes over time. You learn that what you thought made a person a good person a good person, wasn't it at all. You learn that the way you've seen the world, or the way you see the world now, isn't the right one. And then, next thing you know, you're a whole new man in a whole new world, using a process to improve yourself that was never your idea to begin with. And then one day, you wonder why you're bothering, because it seems like no one else is, and you're not really even sure you're a better man than when you started.

I want desperately to be better. I used to only want to be tolerable, so someone could love me, or take care of me, because i knew i couldn't take care of myself. That desire grew into wanting to be independent; wanting to actually be able to take care of myself and not need someone else, just to be okay. I never got there, but i already want more; I want to be dependable. I need that. To be someone someone else can rely on. Sometimes im afraid that that is an unattainable goal. I'm afraid that dependency is so hardwired into who i have been to this point that its a cornerstone of what I've built to this point, and that moving it would be dangerous, If only because of the transition between that and whatever comes after. But its an irrational fear.

I don't know how far I've really come. I know that my father, and my fathers father, wanted to be good men, but i don't know that they have the same torturous drive i do, or the crushing fear that its actually possible to be a good man because there is no real goodness. I think about this and the development of families, and how they pass on the things they know and the things they've learned, and i wonder if i can do better. I want to think that I can teach someone else to analyze, adapt, and grow into something better than they were the day before. I hope that's what i can teach my children.

Im not self righteous, and i don't mean to sound that way, because I'm legitimately afraid that i haven't accomplished anything at all so far, or that its not possible to accomplish anything this way. I don't want to sound like i think I'm this brilliant creature of worth. I want you to understand how i see myself, that i see myself in a way, and feel that i am not a creature of worth, and that the only redeeming quality i have is that drive i talk about. I am saying that i believe i am something pathetic, weak, and small, that has been trying very long to become something else.

I'm trying still. I don't know if I'm even capable of being what I'm trying to become but, I'm trying. I have to, because when ever i let go of this, and i think hard about who and how i am, and how far i have or haven't come, i cant stand it. I cant tolerate myself, or the world i live in, or the clarity, the realness of flaw that is the person i am. And so i hold onto it. I hold onto this idea that lets me tolerate what i am, only because i might be marginally better tomorrow.

Im not in the writing mood, but since i havent updated in five days, i guess ill try anyway. I got a job at Books a Million, and i start Tuesday morning. I went to see lilly for a couple days this week, then came back for the interview, then went back to see her for the 4th. We went to this fireworks thing in florence, which was ok, except there were so many people. I got another ticket on the way back, but at least now i have a job, so surely ill be able to pay it.

Now that the laptop is working again, im playing wow some. I dont really know how much ill really play it though, because of work, and because i only talk to lilly on AIM usually, and theres no way to be sure she isnt messaging me at any given moment if ive got a game fullscreened, you know?

Anyway i guess thats all im gonna say now. Boring life is boring.

so i need to format this laptop, and i dont have any recovery disks or any copy of windows to put back on it. See, i broke it somehow. I have no idea how, but basically, now, it freezes 2/3 times i try to start it up, and then if i do finally get it into windows, it takes about 5 mins for it to freeze up or crash. So im on a time limit with this entry.

I had an interview at that Call center today, and while i passed their data entry test with flying colors, they didnt hire me. Its apparently against their company policy to hire anyone who hasnt had a job for 365 consecutive days. So fuck them.

I went straight from there to Books A Million to see if they had gotten back my Background check yet. The guy who was there wasnt the manager i talked to before, but he went and checked and said that they had gotten it back, and that i would probably get a call tonight or tomorrow telling me when my interview would be. So im waiting.

I really need to go see lilly. Ive been trying to find time and money for a little while now, and its been too fucking long, About two weeks, since the last time i saw her. I swear to god, as soon as i know if i have or dont have this job, im gonna go see her. (unless they say i start like, instantly, which i so doubt they will do)

(at this point my computer crashed, and i only kept what ive already written so far because of the draft autosave that Livejournal has.)

Jason is basically my best friend, and hes been really depressed lately. It sucks, because i dont really know what to do. my advice is horrible. He works so much, pays rent on the apartment, and buys all the food. I really dont do enough for him. I feel like a bad friend sometimes, because i really want to be able to do more for him than i do, but i dont really do much at all. I wish i could just help more. Idk. I wish i just knew what to say. Maybe when i get a job ill feel better about not contributing more, but that wont cheer him up. It wont make him happier. And thats what i really wish i could do.

Im trying to back up everything thats on this computer so i can get lilly's brother brandon to format and reinstall windows. Im hoping he has windows disks, or a cracked copy, because i dont. Jason has no idea where the disks for the laptop are, and olivia said she looked in her things but that they were nowhere to be found. So ive got no idea what to do. It really sucks too because i just used my wow card to reactivate my account for the next 2 months, and i cant even play. So i wasted the card. Fuck.

Today i also paid my cellphone bill and got oil put in my bone dry engine and transmission. Im hoping that the 60$ i have left is enough to last me until i can give blood again. Im hoping to go see lilly tomorrow. I wont know if i can until i hear back from BAM.

I really hope i can get this computer fixed.
I really hope i get this job.
I really hope i dont run out of money.
I really hope i jason feels better soon.
I really hope i get to see lilly soon.

(second crash and restore)

i also hope i dont throw this laptop at the wall or something, since its not mine.
I think im giving up. Ive written enough.

Wouldnt you know it, just as soon as i get Wow working, the laptop starts having fatal errors and crashing. (unrelated im sure, just an annoying coincidence.) Anyway, i cant find the restore disks for it, so i have no idea how long it will be on the fritz, and that i will have unreliable internet.

which


fucking


blows.


so if you dont hear from me or something, thats why. dammit -_-

Lets see. I went to see dad yesterday, and we talked about a lot of things. Its good to be able to see him, but it really makes me feel bad that i cant do the same thing with my mom. I don't know how long shes going to be living in Knoxville, but i guess it could be a while. Since that's like, a 13 hour drive (according to google maps), i doubt ill be seeing her anytime soon.

Since Dad gave me some money, and Jason's helping me with my ticket, I'm mostly in an ok place financially, though its delicate. I was denied unemployment, but Ive got two interviews next week, so I'm fairly likely to get one of the jobs. I tried to give blood the other day, but i forgot to take some unopened mail for proof of address, so i have to try again Monday morning. (tomorrow.) I think i may keep giving blood after i get a job. Its an extra 55$ a week, you know? I need to see how much time i have left on my cellphone too; i may need to pay that.

I read about a way to paint your car yourself for about 80$, so i tossed that onto my list of things to do eventually, right under "get car insurance", "get new glasses", and "get a memory foam mattress" and right above "get your own computer". Somewhere in there is paying Back the money I've borrowed, which isn't something to sneeze at.

To combat my general boredom and depression, I'm installing Wow again. Yeah, i know, but i don't have the system requirements to play another game, and i don't have the interest in anything free. Ive only got a 2month card, so odds are, ill lose interest before its up. And that's only if the install actually works. Ive got to call support in the morning.

Ive been contemplating what i should do about long term investment in my future. I've thought about everything from Programming to Policeman. I really have no idea what I'm going to do, but statistically, I'll be a factory worker. Seriously. Suggestions on low investment high yield professions i wouldn't hate?

I really have to find time to do things. I need to wash all my clothes, all the dishes, get groceries, and just clean house in general. Heres the thing: i have the time. Im just never in the mood. I think thats called laziness.. But, tomorrow ive gotta get up early and try to give blood again, so after that ive got a lot to do.

i guess that im getting up early means its bedtime, so yeah.

"A person in a uniform is merely an extension of another person's will"
- Philip Slater

I have two interviews next week. One at a book store, another at a call center. I really want a job, but like always, im nervous about starting something new. I just want to have a job i dont hate, that doesnt make me feel bad about myself, that i can actually enjoy.

I donated plasma the other day, but its not really fair to call it a donation, since they paid me $40. Ill probably go again tomorrow morning. I may have to drive up to see dad soon, because hes going to give me some money, but sending it with jackie isnt the most dependable option, since she never knows when or if shes going to do anything at all. Jason is probably going to pay for my 240$ ticket, which means i should be looking for insurance to be sure this wont happen again. All in all, i guess things are looking up. Or up in the air. I have no idea what the future holds.

~

I dont draw anymore. Ive been thinking alot about why that is. I guess im just growing up, but i dont know that i like that. Ive never wanted to grow up, and so im very annoyed to find that its happening anyway. Im even more annoyed with myself.

Im negative. Or maybe i just watch the world so closely that i notice its entropy, and then i use my human mind to put that in the box where we put everything that doesnt go according to plan. But thats not how people see it. They say im negative. And sometimes, honestly, i feel like i am. But what are my alternatives? Lies? Faith or Hope or Belief in idealized versions of things? Im not like that. I want to know the raw world. I want to know the truth. I dont like kid gloves, or sugar coatings, or things that are designed to make things more palpable. I WANT THE TRUTH. And the truth is entropy. The truth is that the world tends toward a semi-predictable disorder; a barely controlled chaos. The truth is that nearly nothing goes according to plan, and that if you want to maximize your chances of it actually GOING your way, you need to watch things, remember things, learn how things tend to go, and prepare for when things do what they usually do.

I think im a cynic, and the saying says that inside every cynic is a disappointed idealist. I dont understand why we are idealists at all? We all begin that way, but i dont know why. Is it some cycle where the adults selfishly preserve a childs innocence so that the adult can believe there is something pure in the world for a little while longer? I dont get it. Not on bit.

actually, just ignore all of that. im being too stupid today.

~

I im tired of writing how frustrated i am on here every day.
I really have to stop being so angsty.

Sometimes so much happens before i have time to update that when i actually have the time again, i just sit here and stare at the screen, wondering how to explain it all. So i dont. I just close the window and do something else. Anyway, its been about five days since my last update, so dammit im going to write something.

Lilly and i went on a roadtrip with four of her friends, in two cars, to Birmingham. Theres this Water park there that we went to. I didnt really know until the night before that it was in birmingham, and that id be driving, and i didnt know until the day of that it was a waterpark... So i wore a dark colored shirt, and long dark pants, and regular fucking shoes. I didnt bring swimming trunks, i didnt bring sandals, i didnt bring shorts. All because i didnt think to ask the right questions; i was too busy worrying about my car to be positive and ask about the trip.

So anyway, the ride down was a couple hours tops, but the people we were following drove like 90 the whole way, so it was pretty hard to follow. The trip itself was ok, but my body did its best to ruin it. I was hot, and the first ride i rode made me so motion sick that i only rode one more that day... which also made me sick, because i am made of jello and whimp. The food, the parking, the gas, the tickets to get in, the gas back... it pretty much broke us. More lilly than me, because i was already broke. In fact, with the heat and everythign else that sucked, id say the trip wasnt worth it at all, but for one thing. Lilly and i swam in this wave pool together for a while, and hugged and talked and played, and i think that that was really my favorite thing weve done in a long time.

When it came time to go, lilly was sunburnt. Bad burnt. Like her body was hot pink, approaching medium rare. I had only really burned on my neck, cheekline, and arms. Anyway, we started the drive back alone, assuming we could work our directions up there backwards. That didnt happen. We got lost, and drove about 5 hours before we ever made it home. By the time we were home, lilly was in alot of pain, and i hadnt noticed it yet, but my left arm had burned more from being out the drivers side window. Anyway, i stayed that night at her house, and drove home the next day. Lilly was burnt enough she had to call into work for a couple days, and she doesnt have any real money, because the trip and everything that went wrong with it, cost her most of it.

Im broke too. Ive been hoping for my unemployment for a couple weeks, but i doubt i get it. I need to go give plasma, but honestly im nervous to drive home after? I have no idea if ill be weak though. I may not i guess. Ive got this 240$ ticket i have to pay in 3 weeks... and if i dont get unemployment, someone is gonna have to help me... alot. And that sucks. If i do get it, between that and donating plasma i should have enough to cover the ticket >.<

I wanted to see dad this last weekend, but my sister said she didnt have the gas to drive me, and i have under 1/4 tank, so i definitely cant drive myself. In fact i cant really go anywhere until i get some money.

Im frustrated, but im used to that. Whats worse is that im discouraged. I just dont know how things are going to get better in the immediate future. Its gonna be a while. What can i do to do better? I have no idea.

so, you know... whatever.

My mother married and moved away recently, but i guess i still moved away first. My father and i have had so much space between us my entire life, but hes lived in the same house as long as i can remember; it was never physical space. Its really sad too, because hes more like me than most anyone.

My mom is a feeler. Shes emotional, and her standard coping tactic is to wait it out. She knows shes stubborn, so she can outlast most any problem she has. Its like that scene in the Sci-fi channel DUNE miniseries, where Dr. Yeuh is walking through the desert, literally dying, but shouting at the wind "I am a Desert Creature!". Mom is like that. She knows she can wait it out, she knows that problems are temporary, and that she was born at step zero, so losing everything wont cost her a thing. She is a desert creature. Sortof.

My dad is a thinker. Really, hes an overthinker, but that doesnt mean that he doesnt have limits. He leans heavily on his faith, which is something my analytical mind tore to pieces a long time ago. Faith doesnt work for me, but im glad it does for him. Other than that though, my dad is a problem solver. He just rolls it around in his head until the pieces fit right, and i think i got alot of that from him. Im still learning about him. Ive known him for so many years, but i dont feel like ive known him at all.

Mom was sixteen when she got pregnant, and didnt have much help. Dad came around eventually, but for that first year, mom was alone, and it was a commitment she didnt have to make, but one she couldnt bear not to. I know the odds were against her, and im glad she tried anyway. She dropped out of highschool, and tried working, but moms never had a job very long. I think the longest was a little over a year or something, which is longer than ive ever had one.

Dad was twenty when mo had me, but they werent really together yet. He eventually got back with her, and they were married just long enough to have too many kids. Dad is a paradox to me. I dont really get how he works. Hes been alot of people since ive known him, and hes done alot of thinds. He was a machinist, and a mechanic, and a volunteer fireman, and alot of other things. Dad lost visitation when i was about sixteen, and i havent been obligated to see him since. He got sick some years back, and had to stop working and depend on the government and his wife to get by. I think that was hard for him to accept for a while, but what he really thinks about it is a mystery to me. A few years ago i decided i should try and get to know him better, and mend bridges, but i dont know how well ive done with that.

I think peoples parents effect them in a bigger way than just about anyone else. Its a blessing, to have those people to guide you early on, but its a curse to know that they are just people, and that sometimes they steered us wrong.

I wouldnt say im on my own, because im not very good at taking care of myself, but im trying to become my own person. A big part of that has been putting some space between my parents and myself. I thought i wanted that just so i could come into my own, but i think that my parents needed it too; theyve come into their own in a lot of ways too.

i dont have much in the way of ideas about what im going to do with myself. I think the hardest part of growing up has been accepting that not only am i a regular fucking person, but that that is always what ive been. I thought i was special, or destined for greatness, or that god had a plan for me, or something like that, but thats not the case. It was never the case. No one is special when everyone is special.

And thats ok. I shouldnt expect more than average from myself, but it is something i should work for. Ive always had trouble setting goals, but i think that im doing better than i was. I think i actually know a few things that i want.

Lilly is great. She and i get along better than i thought people could. (Or at least better than i thought i could with people.) Im trying hard to lash together some raft of a life for us, which is alot more appealing in my mind than just a life for just myself. I think the thing, the real thing, that makes this relationship so much better than any of the others i've had, isnt that we are so in love. I dont think its even how much we like each other, or how attracted we are to one another. Its that i know she respects me, and that i respect her. Its that we have an understanding that we have no intent to hurt one another. That's why i trust her. Thats our whole foundation, and i have to be sure to never fuck that up. (Not that i think i will, but you know me. Always cautious.)

I dont hate my life. I dont like it right now, because i got myself into a bind through poor planning and seeking short term gratification, but i dont hate it. Ive got a tempered self image. Its not that my self esteem doesnt diminish, because it does, and its not that i dont have bouts of egotism, because that happens too. Its that i bend now, I dont break. That makes all the difference in the world. It might be the whole difference between an adult and a child, but ive no idea. I just know i like that i can adapt now. Maybe its not permanent, but i sure as hell like thinking it is.

I think i know where ive come from, and where im going, so all thats left is figuring out how exactly i plan to get there, and what ill do once i am.

think long and hard about what you filled in the blanks to say,
and why that was what you thought of first



I spent the weekend with lilly, and it was pretty great. Shes better to me than anyone else ever has been, and it has me rethinking what i expect from people at all; what i expect from myself. I really hope that things work out for us. (i hope i dont fuck it up)

Its been hard, lately, to have any sort of self esteem at all. Im depending pretty heavily on others, and its hard for me to accept that there is so much i cant do on my own. I know i am a social primate, and i know that i was never meant to function alone, but goddammit im tired of being a follower. Im tired of feeling like a child.


im getting older, but im at this point in my life where i can literally choose a path that ill follow for the rest of it. I dont really know how to feel about that, but thinking about it set me off onto another thought. Really, My choices arent anymore significant now than they ever
have been, i just have a heightened awareness of it now.


When i was five, i started Kindergarten. I had a hard time making friends, as im sure alot of kids do, but eventually i met this kid named Jared, who introduced comic books again. I had been reading them when i could, before then, but it wasnt until i met him that i really got into them. I started watching the Batman, Spiderman and Xmen cartoons. It set me solidly on a path im still on now. Thinking about this got me to thinking about something else.


All the music you like, the shows, the movies, the clothes, they are completely optional traits. The word accident can mean both an indecent of chance, and a nonessential property. Im proposing that the nonessential traits of your person are all incidents of chance; that your accidents are accidental. You could just as easily have liked a completely different kind of music of clothing or movies or shows. You could be intrigued by a completely other sort of person, attracted to a totally different sort of individual. I think what im saying is give strange things a chance, since in another life you could have just as easily loved them more than anything you like now.

Choice is important, sure, so i guess you can believe you have free will, but i think opportunity is required for choice, and opportunity is a child of chance. Even the mental faculties you are equipped with, that allow you to make choices, are the products of genetic chance. Ultimately, everything is kindof random, but we still spend our whole lives trying to nail down a storm.




i have got to figure something out.

Have i ever mentioned how much i want a hermit crab? I think im just fascinated by the idea of outgrowing a home; because to me it somehow resonates, and becomes about outgrowing situations, about growth in general, about the difference between the people youve been and the person you are. Ive lived in alot of houses. Ive been in alot of situations. Im maybe a third of the way through my life, and i already feel like an old hat. Its like, nowhere i am, and nowhere i go, is ever really home. Its home for now. Im not sure ive ever known what a home feels like, because when people talk about how they feel, it seems so alien. I dont know. Anyway, i want a hermit crab.



I guess i should give a proper update. Lets see. I borrowed some money and applied for unemployment. I feel bad about it, but i dont feel like i really had much of a choice. Most likely, i wont get the unemployment, but the loan covered my phone(60$), gas for a while(20$), and my overdraft fee(35$). I also got a haircut(12$) because i was tired of walking into places to apply for a job while looking like the wolfman. Ive still got that ticket(245$) to deal with, but some of that should be covered by whats left of the loan... and i don't know what else. Im shy quite a bit, and i have about a Month.

Im considering starting to donate plasma, twice a week, until i get a job. It would hurt alot for about an hour and a half, and net me about 15-25$ a time, so its all about how worth it it is after i try it once.

I watched The Hangover and thought it was pretty neat, i guess. I also put Dune & Children of Dune on my DS, and im currently converting Dragonball:Evolution & Valkyrie to the format my ds reads so i can watch them with Lilly this weekend.

I plan to pick her up from work tomorrow and stay with her until Sunday Morning, when ima drive back here to play dnd. Its getting harder and harder to not just be around her all the time, but im terrified i cant take care of myself well enough to live with her. Basically, im not sure she can depend on me because im not sure if I can depend on me. I just want to have some money saved before i move, you know?

Im frustrated, really. I have no idea how im going to accomplish the things i need to accomplish without a job, and seriously, NO ONE IS FUCKING HIRING. Im really frustrated, idk. Its just hard to find a job is all.

If i knew more people here, if i had any fucking friends, maybe this wouldnt be so hard.

I think there is some confusion about what exactly having an inflated ego is. First, the person with this problem probably has no idea that they have it. Thats baseline. Second, an inflated eco doesn't necessarily mean you're arrogant or have any sort of self esteem problem. You might, but its not required. These are the things it isnt.

This is what it is. A person who uses themselves as the primary reference point and filter for all things, with a lack of interpersonal understanding, is a self oriented person. Because they lack that social intelligence, the ability to see and understand the effect they have on others, they are sortof trapped in a cloud of self without the accurate interpretation of social feedback to help the autocorrect. Without Interpersonal and social understanding to compete with your internal dialogue, you become selfish, because it is he most real thing to you.

The same thing can happen to a person with too much Interpersonal intelligence. Without Interpersonal and social understanding. if you develop a habit of gathering and interpreting social ques but never develop a firm inner dialogue you become socially oriented. You become a trend slave, or a follower. This

If you can gather social cues, and interpret them, and you can have a strong internal dialogue that you can use social cues to repair, then you can become a person of character. The problem is that people can have learning disabilities that are harder to detect. An inability to learn from your mistakes in thought processing makes it difficult to gather wisdom. An inability to learn from the habits, expectations, and social cues of others makes it difficult to find a social niche, and again, difficult to gather wisdom.

Because there are so many types of intelligence, it makes it difficult to understand how to actually improve yourself. I think the most important thing is to try and develop critical thinking skills. Your ability to gather data improves parallel to your ability to process data, but you can improve your ability to gather without improving your ability to process. The same is not true the other way around, however. Processing data correctly leads to improvements in virtually every other area. If you can comprehend your environment, and how it reacts to you, you can comprehend yourself better.

And thats what the inflated ego needs; understanding to keep it in check. The self oriented individual lacks compassion, though they can usually simulate it because social pressure dictates that they must. The self oriented individual might also actually be quite adept at gathering social cues, but like i mentioned before, this has no bearing on their ability to correctly interpret them. Misinterpretations cant be caught without critical thinking skills, and so often the self oriented person has their worldview reaffirmed by their interpretations of cues. This happens to anyone without critical thinking skills, and isnt unique to the selfish person.

Intent has no bearing on method, and so a self oriented person can even actually mean well, though they lack true compassion. Often, a method of simulating compassion is caring about how a person makes YOU feel, and not wanting your own feeling to end. This results in the person caring for the needs of others, but primarily to be certain that their own desires continue to be met. This is a doppleganger of true compassion, which is done out of your own feeling for another, and comes without any expectation of reciprocation.

Its important to remember this, however. Selfish people are necessary, from an evolutionary standpoint. The family of cowards is always larger than the family of heroes. Cowards protect our future generations, by protecting themselves and their ability to reproduce. Heroes protect our currently living generation in addition to the future generations those living might represent. Both have an evolutionary necessity. I know this.

Im not saying selfishness is wrong, im saying it is annoying. Knowing that someone is incapable of genuinely giving a fuck about anyone but themselves is no consolation for knowing that they dont give a fuck about you. Im a social primate, and so are you. I have an expectation of respect, and social grooming. You spend more time being sure you will be taken care of than you spend taking care of others. How can i respect that? I can understand it. But thats not me. Its not how i am, and while i can accept it, i can never respect it.

It might not be your fault that youre socially retarded, or that youve been conditioned to deal only in self. I know that your expanded sense of self, your inflated ego, doesnt actually come with a self esteem boost, and that your inability to appropriately respond to others leaves you lonely, but that doesnt excuse it.

Self improvement. We are who we choose to be. You could change, if you wanted to, if you could recognize what your problems are, and work on them. You can rebuild yourself to be whomever you wish to be. But you wont. But you cant. You dont have the drive. You may not even have the meatal means, i have no way of knowing.

But that doesnt mean you cant help it. Ive tried to tell you. So have other people. Im sure that on some level youre aware of what you do to others. So fix it. Just stop, and choose to change. If not for others, do it for yourself. If you dont try and become something else, you will never stop feeling alone.

just try.

I cannot express how disgusted i am at the environment Fox News Has created and maintained in the states.

Im just too frustrated with it.

The majority of human beings that have ever lived, died having never seen Ice.These are the things i think about, when im avoiding thinking about things.



I think if there is one trait that marks my personality more than any other, its probably skepticism. I never accept anything at face value, and I'm always analyzing it for some deeper meaning. I'm not sure i actually ever arrive at conclusions, or even make solid decisions. Whenever i decide to do or not to do something, its more like a change of winds than it is building a bridge. I think about this, and i apply the lessons skepticism has taught me, the lessons I've learned from looking deeper. I think about this and i cant help but wonder, what made me this way? No behavior is formed without causation. What caused this?


Lately ive been trying to type up one of these and i get about a paragraph in, and erase what ive written. Even though i dont feel like i have anything worth saying, its still important that i say something; that i write something. So here goes.

Im still unemployed. Im still broke. My bank account is still overdrawn. I still have an unpaid ticket that i havent been able to call and find out how much is. I went to see lilly again recently, last monday, and i missed a call from a job that wanted me to come in for an interview. while i was gone i got a flat, and with no money to pay to get it fixed i had to wait till lilly got paid, meaning i was gone about four days total. When i got back and finally found out about the call from the job, it was too late. They already hired some people, but assured me theyd call me if anyone didnt work out. So im frustrated. Very.

Brenden is growing up fast. So fast. He can sit up on his on now, he can roll onto his back, and just this week he learned to hold his bottle by himself. Hes only 7 months and some change, and i cant believe how much hes grown. Lilly and i have only been dating a little over four months, and hes changed so much in that amount of time. I feel like i'm not the same person i was four months ago either, and it got me thinking. Maybe its not that babies grow so fast, maybe we just take for granted how fast we all grow. Maybe its just more evident in children because they start with nothing, and it's just harder to see the growth in adults because we already have so much baggage. But that makes me feel a little better, to think that the growth is still there. At least for some of us.

I guess my mom lives mostly in Knoxville now. Mom lost her house a while back and i guess shes been staying with her husband. My youngest sister, who is 16, is staying with one of our relatives, and i don't really know how to feel about that. In some ways i feel like mom ducked out two years early... and in others i feel like shes earned it. I don't really know. I just want something better for my sister, and i don't think that shes going to get it. I know that when i was 16, that it was when i needed my parents the most, and when i had them the least. Maybe i should take comfort in that, in knowing i survived... but i don't. I'm worried. Really worried.

My dnd game has missed a couple weeks, but i think were going to play this weekend. I'm not really sure yet. I hope so. Ive been trying to plan for it for a couple weeks now and i'm tired of thinking about it and not getting to actually do it. I'm more excited, honestly, about a system i discovered earlier today. Its the system behind Dogs in the Vineyard and is a dice pool system that uses bids for conflict resolution. Its seriously one of the most ingenious rpg systems i've ever seen.

Ive been watching movies and television shows since i lost my job. I'm almost completely caught up to the airing episodes of Breaking Bad, and i've been watching Fringe too. Im hoping i can watch the whole Dune miniseries this week. Last week i watched Twelve Monkeys, Idiocracy, Sunshine, and Krod Mandoon. I also watched Up, Wolverine, and Terminator Salvation. Honestly, Sunshine is probably the best movie ive watched in a while.

Being unemployed wreaks havoc on my self esteem and gives teeth to my anxiety and I can only kill so much time before the time is killing me. I hope, earnestly, that this changes soon.

Im still unemployed. I got a ticket for not having insurance, and my bank account is overdrawn. I dont have a dime, or any real leads on a job. I dont see how im not supposed to be depressed by this.

There are alot of things going on, but not the right sort of things.
Im really frustrated. Really really frustrated.

I routinely let people lie to my face because i think its better that way. Theres no good way to call someone out on something, and theres no good that can come from someone thinking you know/believe they are a liar, or dont trust them. So i let them lie.

But then i do something totally contradictory whenever someone says something they dont know is false. If someone is misinformed about something, i jump on their shit and correct them. Why the fuck did i think that was ok? I mean the same logic applies in both situations right?

I guess its really about thinking people want to know what is true, but i know thats untrue. Some people want to be lied to, or uninformed, and anyone who WANTS the truth, seeks it. So i have to learn to let them be wrong. To just shut up, and hold my piece, and let them be wrong.

I was thinking about this a while back, talking about the hypocricy of how i feel about unsolicited advice; that i can give it but never want to take it. I suggested then that i just learn how to take it, but i guess in reality, i need to also learn to never give it either.


Anwyay, Here are a few videos to make your brain hurt.

my guts are water and my shoulders are stone. this is what stress does to me.

ive been at Lilly's since Sunday night, after dnd, when i drove up. I had intended to come back Monday, and didn't, then Tuesday and didn't, and today it took everything i had to just not stay again. But i didn't. I know the reality; that i only have about seven dollars, and that getting a job will take a lot longer than that seven dollars will last.

Lilly keeps encouraging me to move in with her, and to get a job down there. I know that Ive worn out my welcome with Jason in a lot of ways, and so I'm tempted. Strongly tempted. I do want to live with Lilly, but the facts are there; we haven't been dating that long, and neither of us have the money for me to stay there. I had one other option, besides living with Jason, and that was to move in with Willow, but Lilly really really doesn't want me to, so i guess i cant do that either. I cant move back to dads, since my step-mom's dad moved in with them recently. His house is full.

I need a long term solution though, because getting a job and losing it isnt a cycle i want to keep up forever, and since i dont have a degree, im not really even sure how i can get the opportunity to do anything else. Im desperate enough that ive been considering the army alot lately, even though i know its not really something i want to do. What i should probably do is go back to school, somehow. I dont really know how i can do that. I should find a job, no matter what i do. I need a job NOW. Theres a Toys'R'Us Hiring near me, and i wish to god that they would hire me. Ive applied for a couple jobs online, but i think im going to go to the actual store and see if they have a paper application.

Im frustrated. Super extra double frustrated.

ima go watch cartoons.